


Let Me Call You Jamie

by GoldenTruth813



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Amnesia, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Auror Teddy Lupin, Background Harry/Ginny, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Established Relationship, Falling In Love, Family, Family Dynamics, Family Feels, HP: Epilogue Compliant, Harry Potter Next Generation, Living Together, M/M, Memory Loss, Quidditch, Quidditch Player James Sirius Potter, Roommates, Secret Relationship, sibling dynamics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2019-04-19 06:13:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14231079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldenTruth813/pseuds/GoldenTruth813
Summary: Teddy knows he and James love each other, he just isn’t ready to let everyone else know about their relationship — they have forever to handle that little hurdle. Until a freak Quidditch accident leaves James without his memory and Teddy finds himself examining the choices he’s made and wondering what forever really means.





	Let Me Call You Jamie

**Author's Note:**

  * For [shiftylinguini](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiftylinguini/gifts).



> All the love to aibidil for the amazing beta and holding my hand every time I cried writing this. <3

“That was a spectacular save by Monroe for Puddlemere, we’re seeing some top-notch moves at today’s opening match.”

“Yes we are, Lee, the best of the best for this year’s opening game. Now remember folks, the Caerphilly Catapults haven’t beaten Puddlemere United in almost a decade, so tensions are running high here.”

“High indeed. I don’t think there’s a witch or wizard here not on the edge of their seats. And we’ve got a spectacular line up today, including James Potter, who is playing his first professional game of the season, and yes — yes, there are his parents, Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley, in the owner’s box. She was a top-notch Chaser in her day. Top notch.”

“It’s no wonder Potter was heavily favoured to open the game — word on the street is young Potter was the reason today’s match sold out in less time than it takes a Erumpent to eat a crumpet.”

“I see what you did there, Lee…. And yes, look at that, an incredible pass by Chaucer to Leeks. Great Scott! That’s a foul! Cobbing! My word, this game is getting dirty.”

“Nasty foul there, Todd. Just a reminder, Puddlemere United is leading two hundred sixty points to two hundred points, but this is still anyone's game as the Seekers are still circling the pitch—”

“And look here, I think Potter has spotted the Snitch! He’s going into a steep dive. Willbourne, the Catapults’ Seeker, doesn't seem to know what to do with himself. He’s chasing Potter’s tail, but Potter is so far in the lead there’s no way he’ll overtake him like this and, wait — what’s that? Potter has pulled out of the dive and is lying down on his broom winking at Willbourne.”

“Definitely part Weasley. I haven’t seen anything that spectacular since my days in Gryffindor — the best team Hogwarts ever saw with the Weasley twins — and yes, Potter, is all cheek. He’s waving to the crowd and the fans are going wild.”

“I can’t believe Potter was faking! I don’t think I’ve seen a move like that since the World Cup in ‘69, what about you, Todd?”

Teddy drops down into his seat and rubs his face with a heavy sigh, his heart nearly beating out of his chest. Fucking James.

Beside him Harry laughs heartily. “James must’ve been getting bored.”

Teddy peeks at Harry from between his fingers. “James is a bloody show-off, is all.”

“That too,” Harry agrees with a familiar smile, leaning his elbows on his knees and returning his attention to the game.

Teddy’d never understood the Potter household’s obsession with Quidditch. Granted, Ginny had been an amazing player and he’d loved going to her matches with Harry and James and Albus and Lily when he was much younger. He’d loved sitting beside them all and cheering her on to victory together.

But Teddy had never been able to get over his distaste for the occasional aggression and violence that erupted when the games went on too long and the players got desperate or one of the players — usually the Seeker — tried out a dangerous move.

It didn’t help that James was a bloody fucking show-off and had the most stylistic and outrageous style of flying Teddy had ever seen, which was exactly how he’d been one of the youngest players ever signed to a professional Quidditch League — the contract was signed before he took his N.E.W.T.s. Of course, his outlandish style of flying was tempered by the fact that James was also an incredibly talented flyer. He’d been made Quidditch captain in his fourth year, and had led Gryffindor to win three Quidditch Cups.

Teddy had been proud of him of course. He knew it was James’s dream to make a name for himself, to forge his own path, a future that he didn’t owe to his parents or anyone else but something built from his own talent and hard work. But none of that knowledge could stop Teddy from feeling sick to his stomach every time James took unnecessary risks as he attempted to one up every other player with his skill or to entertain the crowd.

“Flacking! Flacking! Dirty cheats!”

“I sure hope one of the teams’ Seekers spots the Snitch soon, before — and what’s that? Potter is going into a dive again!”

“Could be another fake out, Lee. Don’t forget — oh wait, I see a glimmer of gold. I think both Seekers have finally seen the Snitch!”

By the time Teddy is up and out of his seat, Ginny and Harry are already leaning over the box shouting themselves hoarse with excitement.

“Come on, Jamie!” Lily cheers on Teddy’s other side, bouncing in her seat.

Albus is surprisingly quieter than the rest, but Teddy sees his hands fisted in his lap and knows Albus is probably feeling the same way Teddy is right about now. Teddy knows they both share a less-than-enthusiastic take on Quidditch while still wanting James to win.

“This is going to be a close one and — BLAGGING! What a disgusting—”

“Cowardly move from the Catapults’ Seeker to stop Potter, and yet, look here, Potter has undone the safety harness on his broom to slide down the front end. Technically not against regulations, though his captain, Wood, looks less than pleased. Looks like Potter won’t be letting a bit of foul play stop him from getting the Snitch.”

Teddy’s stomach turns when James unfastens the safety harness, his fingertips pulsing with the force of his magic wanting to swirl up and force the harness back onto James’s uniform. They’re not even technically necessary, an extra precaution the new league owner had added just this season to stop Seekers from falling off their brooms. James had flown every single game of his life before this one without the harness, so Teddy logically knows he’ll be fine, but he hates the unease that settles in his chest just the same.

“Potter is reaching out! He’s nearly there and, yes, he’s got his fingers wrapping around—”

The announcer’s words are cut off by a scream that pierces Teddy’s heart as a Bludger comes out of nowhere and slams straight into the back of James’s head. He’s too unbalanced, leaning too far off the edge of his broom, and before anyone can react James is falling — crashing to the ground with a sickening thud.

Screams fill the air, the announcers’ microphones buzz dead air. Teddy is dully aware of Harry begging him to keep an eye on Albus and Lily before he and Ginny have disappeared into the horde of panicking people. The field is swarmed with medics and photographers who have ignored the no-press-on-the-pitch rule. Teddy feels dizzy, feels like he can’t breathe, watching James lie still on the pitch, as if he were dead.

“He’ll be okay, right?” Lily whispers, reaching out to hold Teddy’s hand.

Teddy opens his mouth to answer, but the words won’t come out.

“He’ll be fine, Lils. Dad and Mum are down there and they have medics. Bet the wanker just wanted extra attention.” Albus is lying. Teddy knows he’s lying.

And as the medics Levitate James’s body and take him off the field, Teddy wishes he could believe the lie.

***~*~*~***

Teddy hates St Mungo’s. It’s sterile and too white and it always smells funny. He remembers visiting Ginny the first time she’d been injured, remembers visiting Harry all the times he got hurt on the job, remembers visiting his Gran when she’d fallen ill with Dragon Pox when he was seven and he’d quietly asked Harry if she was going to die like his mum and dad.

Teddy’s never actually known anyone who died in St Mungo’s, but he associates it with death all the same. As if the white walls are meant to bleach away the pain and suffering. Instead of reminding Teddy of the possibility of life all it does it make him think of the lack of it.

Lily is still holding his hand. Albus hasn’t said a word in the nearly four hours since James was carried off the field unconscious. They’ve been holed up in the hideous waiting room, which had slowly filled up with James’s teammates and every Weasley ever born. Even Scorpius had come to sit with Albus quietly in the corner. The room is so full there isnt a chair left.

It should make him feel cheerful, maybe, to see how loved James is. Except all Teddy wants to do is pull his wand out of his thigh holster and send a Blasting Curse right at the wall with ugly windows that are enchanted to make it look sunny outside. Teddy wants to scream at them all that they aren’t worried about James the way he’s worried, they don’t need to see James’s warm brown eyes the same way Teddy does — as if his life depends on it.

He wants to rage and shout that James is his, that James loves him, wants to demand that Harry let him in the viewing room while the Healers attempt to fix whatever is wrong with James that’s bad enough that they’re on Level Seven. But instead he bites his tongue, watches the tips of the hair falling into his eyes turn the same dark blue of the James’s kit, the last thing Teddy saw him wearing when his distorted, bloody body was carried off the pitch.

Teddy waits, remembering the last words he said to James.

***~*~*~***

_“I could tell them all, you know, right now. One quick Firecall before everyone leaves for the match,” James says confidently as he wraps his arms around Teddy’s neck. “Mum and Dad won’t care. You know they won’t. They love you and everyone loves me. Besides, I’m of age and Lily practically worships you, and Albus, well he’s Albus, so—”_

_Teddy silences him with a kiss, sighing into James’s mouth and sliding his fingers under the crisp cotton of James’s shirt to stroke along the warm, flat planes of James’s stomach, delighting in the way the muscles quiver beneath his fingertips._

_“You need to get ready. You’ve got to leave in ten minutes and you don’t want to be late.”_

_“I don't? Here I thought it would be a great idea to miss my first professional match. Merlin’s tits, thanks for telling me, Teddy. Whatever would I do without you? I mean—”_

_“Fucking hell, you’re such a smart arse,” Teddy laughs, walking James backwards until James is pressed up against the wall._

_James’s eyes are alight with mischief as he fidgets nervously, looking close to crawling out of his own skin. Teddy knows that James is nervous for his first game, is looking for a distraction, but Teddy isn’t ready to tell Harry and Ginny. He’s pretty sure James is right and it won’t be as big of a deal as he’s making it in his head, but the idea of disappointing them, of disappointing Harry, even a little bit, makes his stomach turn._

_This thing between him and James is important, it feels real, in a way Teddy hasn’t experienced in a relationship in a long time, and he’s too embarrassed to admit to James how scared he is of losing it if Harry and Ginny somehow object. He’s ashamed to admit that he cares what they think that much, so he shoves the words down along with the truth of exactly how much he loves James._

_“Teddy, fuck,” James whines as Teddy’s fingers slide down his trousers to trail down the curve of his arse._

_“If you win today, I’ll give you a reward.”_

_“What do I get?” James’s eyes flash with excitement and Teddy nearly laughs because James must know that Teddy would give him just about anything, anyway._

_“That’s for me to know and you to find out.”_

_James huffs out an excited laugh. “I’m gonna win, Teddy. You’ll see. I’m going to win for you.”_

***~*~*~***

Walking into James’s room feels like walking into a museum. The pictures on the wall are perfect, there's already an overly large bouquet of flowers from the League owners on the bedside table, and Harry and Ginny are sitting in two chairs near James’s bed just watching him like he might break if they touch him.

Lily runs straight to Ginny, throwing herself into her mum’s arms and letting out the tears she must’ve been hiding from Teddy and Albus. Albus rubs his arms before walking over to the other side of the bed and standing there looking down at James. Teddy remembers Albus as a child, so emotional and fragile, always crying about something; Albus hasn’t cried in years, but the tears fall out of the corner of his eyes now.

“How is he?” Teddy chokes out, unable to move any closer to the bed. He knows he’s welcome, but he wants to be there as James boyfriend, or partner or whatever the right label might be that means Teddy is the most important person there.

“He’s...alive,” Harry answers, voice rough.

“We don’t know anything yet, but I’m sure he’ll be fine,” Ginny says firmly. Harry opens his mouth to say something else but Ginny, looking between Lily and Albus, shakes her head. Harry changes his mind about whatever it was he was going to say, because he snaps his mouth shut and turns his eyes back on James’s unnaturally pale face. Teddy knows that look, though, knows what it means when Harry’s brow furrows and his shoulders tighten, knows exactly what it looks like when something is eating away at him.

“When’s he gonna wake up?” Albus asks, and it's the first thing Teddy has heard him say in hours.

“He might not—”

“He will,” Ginny asserts, cutting Harry off.

Teddy wishes there were a chair to sit in because he finds his knees buckling under Harry’s unspoken words. James has to wake up. James has to be okay. The idea of life without James is as inconceivable as never seeing the sun again.

No one says anything else. There’s nothing to say. So they sit and they wait, in an unmoving vigil for hours. The Healers come in talking about the brain as if it were a tree — branches of life and swelling — but all Teddy hears are the words _brain trauma_.

Hours more go by and still James doesn’t move. No twitch of his fingers, no subtle shuffle of his body in his unconscious state. Teddy thinks about the way James moves in his sleep at night, constantly moving about to get comfortable, scooting closer to Teddy before flopping onto his back and spreading his arms and legs out, hogging the entire bed. He thinks about the way he taps his leg when they watch telly and bounces his feet when he eats breakfast. He thinks of the way James is always full of movement, full of life. Now though, now James is still.

James is lifeless.

By the time midnight rolls around, Ginny has taken Albus and Lily home. Harry won’t move though, stays planted in the chair beside James’s bed, watching him. By two in the morning, Harry looks ready to pass out.

“Go home, Harry. I’ll stay. I’ll let you know the second something changes.”

“But—”

“You’re no good to him half dead. He’ll need you when he wakes up. You need to rest for him.” Teddy knows he’s manipulating Harry, but he needs five minutes alone with James. Needs to hold his hand and kiss his forehead, needs to feel James’s heart beating beneath his fingers and know for himself that James is still alive.

Harry hesitates for only a few seconds before clapping Teddy on the back. “You’re a good man, Ted. I’ll be back in a few hours.”

Once Harry is gone, Teddy all but races to the bed, lifting James’s hand and laying it on his cheek. “ _Jamie_ ,” he whispers, glad no one else is there to see his hand shaking as he runs it across James’s forehead, brushing back the soft strands of wavy auburn hair.

James is so warm, his chest rising and falling steadily, but he’s too still, too quiet; everything about it is wrong. Teddy closes his eyes, scooting his chair as close to the side of the bed as possible and laying his head down on James’s chest, allowing the slow beat of James’s heartbeat lull him to sleep.

It’s still dark when Teddy begins to wake. His right arm is completely numb and drowsiness and confusion are swirling through his sleep-addled brain before he realises where he is and why he’s there. The room is lit by only a soft lamp on James’s side table and it takes Teddy’s eyes a moment to adjust to the relative darkness. The last vestiges of sleep leave him immediately when he feels fingers shifting against his own and it takes him all of two seconds to realise that James is moving.

Teddy’s heart feels like it might beat straight out of his chest as he lets go of James’s hand and stands up, leaning over to brush the hair from his face.

“James,” he whispers hopefully.

James grunts out a pathetic noise, shifting his head and then letting out a pitiful cry of pain that Teddy feels like hex to the chest. “Hey, don’t move, it’s okay, you’re okay now.”

It feels as if it takes James forever to blink his eyes open and Teddy lets out a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding. James is alive. James is awake. James is okay.

“Merlin, I was so worried. Fuck, you gave us all a scare. I’ve got to let Harry and Ginny know you’re awake and Albus and Lily will want to come and—” but the words die on his lips. Something is wrong. James isn’t smiling. “Hey, are you okay?”

He tries to reach out, but James flinches away from his touch. James doesn’t answer his question, either, just darts his eyes around the room until they settle on Teddy, apparently realising there’s no one else around. He looks skittish. Scared. Teddy doesn’t have long to dwell on what might be wrong, though, because almost immediately James opens his mouth and, with three small words, destroys the very foundation of Teddy’s life.

“Who are you?”

***~*~*~***

“What do you mean, he has amnesia?” Harry shouts. He’s been shouting for half an hour. Teddy doesn't blame him. He wants to scream too, but he can't even manage to string two words together. He can’t stop thinking about the look in James’s eyes when James had flinched away from his touch, when he’d begun to scream out in confusion and terror and the room filled with Healers and Teddy was kicked out.

“But he will get his memory back? Won’t he?” Ginny has finally stopped yelling. Teddy had never realised Ginny could be even louder than Harry.

The Healer sighs, looking uncomfortable. “It’s as I told you before, Mr and Mrs Potter, we don’t know. James sustained a serious blow to the head and a fairly nasty fall afterwards. We were able to heal most of the physical trauma. We mitigated the swelling and stopped the bleeding, but it was forty-four minutes before James was in my care. There’s no telling what unseen damage occurred to the brain in that time.” The Healer looks down at her chart and then back up at Harry. “The good news is James is otherwise healthy. All broken bones and internal bleeding were healed and—”

“And my son doesn’t know I am.” The fight seems to have gone out of Harry as he drops into the chair behind him, burying his face in his hands.

Teddy watches the way Harry’s shoulders shake with a strange sort of guilt. He should’ve protected James. He doesn’t know how or why, just feels it in his bones.

“He shouldn't have taken off the fucking harness!” Albus yells from beside Teddy, upending the chair and throwing it across the room.

“Albus!” Ginny yells.

“Albus, please,” Harry begs, his eyes red rimmed and sad.

“It’s his own fault!” Albus yells again before storming out of the room. Teddy stands, about to offer to go after him, but Ginny smiles at Teddy sadly before following Albus.

“He needs someone to blame.” Teddy’s not sure if Harry is talking to him and Lily or to himself.

“I think you all need some time to process.” The Healer snaps her clipboard shut. “I understand how upsetting this might be, but you must remember that when it comes time to see James, you need to stay calm. Placing too many expectations on him to get his memory back isn’t going to help him. You need to let James recover the memories on his own or you could make things worse.”

“Does that mean we can’t tell him anything?” Lily asks. She's been so quiet Teddy almost forgot she was there.

“Not exactly.” The Healer looks serious, clearly addressing them all now. “You can tell him big things, who you are, who he is, share your memories with him. But don’t force it, don’t ask him to remember things he can’t. It’s important James isn’t over-stressed — it could trigger a relapse. We’re hopeful that James will eventually recover most, if not all, of his memories. But we can’t know for sure. Even with magic, the brain is a delicate thing.”

Teddy hates himself in that moment, because as much as he can’t imagine a world where James doesn’t remember Quidditch or his siblings or his parents, the thing that he hates the most is the idea of a world in which James doesn’t remember _him_.

***~*~*~***

The next few days pass in a blur. Teddy wants to be at the hospital every moment, but the Healers have cautioned against too many people being in James’s room and he’s pretty sure if James’s Gran isn’t allowed in there, he won’t be either.

“You understand, right, Teddy? I know you and James are close, but—”

Harry had looked awkward, unsure, so Teddy had assured him that it was fine. Had lied through his teeth when he said he could wait as long as it took for James to be ready to meet him, all the while he felt like a part of him was dying inside.

It’s not until the fourth day that Teddy is allowed to visit James. Harry nods to him in the doorway, ushering Ginny out of the room.

“But what if—” Ginny begins, but Harry shakes his head.

“I know, Gin, but he doesn’t remember us. We can’t help.”

Ginny looks close to tears as she lets Harry lead her out of the stark white room. Teddy is left standing in the doorway alone simply watching James sit in the middle of the bed. He’s wearing a pair of jeans and one of the shirts Teddy got him for his eighteenth birthday a few months ago. It makes something uncoil in Teddy, just to see James like that, looking almost like he did before the accident. James’s hair is sticking up in the back the way it does right after a shower and Teddy has to resist the urge to run to the bed, to pull him into his arms, to press his face into James’s untidy hair and just smell him.

James turns to look at him in the doorway, the barest hint of a smile on his face.

“Hey, you’re—” but then he stops, as if he’s forgotten what he was going to say. He casts his eyes down in embarrassment.

Teddy clears his throat, feeling more uncomfortable than he’d anticipated as he shoves his hands into his pockets to stop himself from reaching out. “Teddy. I’m Teddy.”

“Right, sorry. They um, showed me photos. I remember you were here when I woke up. That was you, right?”

“Yeah, that was me,” he manages to choke out, walking closer to the bed and wondering if he still might spook James if he gets too close. He tries not to dwell on the fact that James can’t even remember his name.

James takes a deep breath, puffing out his cheeks before letting the breath out again very slowly. It’s such a familiar action that Teddy feels his own breath catch in his throat. “There’s...a lot of people to remember.”

“You’ve got a big family.”

James’s nose crinkles as he frowns, looking almost confused. “Aren’t you family?”

“Fuck.” Teddy breathes out, unable to keep the frustration from his voice.

“I’m sorry!” James murmurs, drawing his knees closer to his body and wrapping his long arms around them.

“Shit, _fuck_ — no! You didn’t do anything.” Teddy groans, running his hands through his hair. He has no idea how to explain to James what he is. Family. Yeah they’re family, to each other. But that’s not what James means. James means family like Albus and Lily, family like Dominique and Victoire. Teddy doesn’t want to be family like them, can’t be. He has no idea how to explain to James that they’re closer than anyone in the world without starting something he’s not sure he can, or should, explain. “I’m your dad’s godson and we’re, you know.”

James looks like he does not know. Teddy doesn’t blame him. “I thought maybe we were close. There’s lots of pictures of us together.”

Teddy watches the tips of his hair flicker from purple to red to a shade of blue so dark its nearly black and closes his eyes and tries to will down the rush of emotions he feels. The Healer had said they need to stay calm and he’s pretty sure the last thing James needs is Teddy having an emotional breakdown. He’s supposed to be older and more mature, surely he can do this. “We are, Jamie.”

James looks like he wants to say something, but he remains quiet, resting his chin on his knees and staring at Teddy. Teddy can’t help but reel at the strangeness of the one person who knows him better than anyone else in the world looking at him as if they don’t know him at all.

“Do you remember anything?” Teddy feels guilt well up in him for asking. He knows everyone else has already asked James and that he’s probably sick to death of being asked, and yet he cannot stop himself from saying the words, needing to hear it for himself.

James shakes his head sadly, his eyes never leaving Teddy’s. He looks lost, and Teddy feels something inside of him breaking all over again. James. His James. His beautiful James who has never been afraid of anything, who has known exactly who he was and what he wanted every moment of his life, is gone.

This James sitting across from him is, Teddy doesn’t know who it is, but he isn’t _his_. The second the thought enters his brain, Teddy feels tears welling up in his eyes and feels ashamed of himself for not being able to keep it together.

“I’m sorry. I keep making everyone sad.”

Teddy chokes out a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob. Even like this, James is more concerned about everyone else and it makes Teddy realise that perhaps not everything about James is gone.

“Do you want to see something funny?”

James looks wary but nods anyway, relaxing the grip around his knees and stretching his legs out on the bed. Teddy exhales slowly, closing his eyes and forcing away the painful tightness in his chest, ignoring the reality of the situation and needing more than anything to wipe away the look of uncertainty on James’s face.

Teddy feels his features contorting slowly, his nose shortening into a snout and his forehead creasing up with wrinkles as ears pop up out of his head. He blinks open his eyes to see James’s own eyes widen with shock. “Oink, oink,” Teddy snorts playfully, sticking his tongue out at James who takes all of two seconds before he dissolves into a fit laughter.

The chills come immediately, racing up his spine and spreading out across his shoulders and Teddy has to close his eyes again, unable to look at James’s face and needing only to listen to the sound of his laughter ringing through the room. Teddy does it again, this time morphing his features into a bunny and twitching his nose dramatically. James makes a snorting noise before leaning forward with his hand outstretched.

“Can I touch?” he asks, as if he needs permission. As if Teddy’s heart and body weren’t already his.

Teddy find it impossible to voice the words, so instead he nods his head and exhales another shaky breath as James’s warm fingers glide across his cheek.

“That’s brilliant,” James whispers, his face impossibly close to Teddy’s. Teddy can see every freckle, but doesn’t even need to see them to know there are exactly forty-three freckles on James’s face. He knows because he’s memorised every single one.

“Brilliant,” Teddy echoes.

***~*~*~***

By the time Teddy had left St Mungo’s the night before, James had stopped looking at him in a way that made Teddy want to run away — James had started looking at him with something closer to a smile, as if they alone shared the secret of what it was to laugh. It made Teddy feel ten feet tall and capable of anything.

Teddy had gone home on a high, only to crash the second he’d crawled into bed and realised that his sheets didn’t smell likes James anymore. That they might never smell like James again.

The only thing that gets him out of bed the next morning is the knowledge that James is being released today, that he will be coming home. It will be awkward, and a struggle and painful, but at least James will be home with him and they can figure everything out without feeling like they are under an inquisition with the Healers or Harry and Ginny watching James like he’s an Erumpent horn that might explode at any moment.

Teddy knows it won’t be an easy endeavor, but he also knows he needs James to come back to their flat, to get back to their routines and find out if any of it might help James remember all the things they’d once had.

Of course, none of that is going to happen if James isn’t coming home with him.

“What do you mean he’s going home with you and Ginny?” Teddy tries to keep his voice neutral, calm, but he is pretty sure he is failing, since Harry pinches the bridge of nose and looks at Teddy the way he looks at Ministry officials he doesn’t want to deal with at work.

“He’s coming _home_ , Teddy.” They’ve been having this circular argument for well over fifteen minutes and Teddy knows Harry wants him to stop, but he can’t.

“Yeah, but his home is with me. We’ve shared the flat for months and—”

Harry holds up his hand. “Teddy, I know you and James are close, and Ginny and I are grateful you opened up your guest room to James when he left Hogwarts. I know he was excited to feel like an adult and he didn't think he could do that at home with us. But we’re his parents; his home is with _us_.”

Teddy clenches his hands at his sides, wondering if Harry might forgo his wand completely and actually punch him if he tells him that James’s home is not with them but with _him_. Of course, there is no easy way to say that without sounding like an arse, or without a lot more explanation than Teddy wants to give.

“The Healer said he needs to get back into his routine, to keep living his life,” Teddy tries again uselessly, feeling like he is losing the battle.

“Teddy, I love you. James loves you. We all love you. You must know that. But you can’t,” Harry stops, rubbing his hands over his face. He looks exhausted, the stubble on his jaw thick and his eyes rimmed in dark circles. “You can’t possibly think you know James better than me and Ginny. We’re his parents.”

Teddy wants to scream that he doesn’t think he knows James better, he _knows_ it. But James appears just down the corridor with Ginny and Albus and Lily. He looks uncomfortable and he’s clearly ignoring Ginny in favour of trying to see what he and Harry are arguing about. Teddy doesn’t want to be the source of any more stress for James.

“Of course. I’m sorry, Harry. I’m just worried.”

Something in Harry softens and before Teddy knows what’s happening, Harry pulls him into a fierce hug. Teddy tries to remember the last time Harry hugged him like this, as if the hug was for Harry and not Teddy. He wraps his arms around his godfather and holds him tightly. “James will be okay,” he whispers, and Harry hugs him tighter.

“Come over tonight for dinner?” Harry asks, voice rough and eyes shining with unshed tears when he finally pulls out of the hug.

Teddy doesn't know how to explain his conflicting desires: never to let James out of his sight ever again while also, somehow, to run far away from the reality that James doesn’t remember any of them, especially him.

“Of course I’ll come.”

***~*~*~***

The Potter household has been a second home for Teddy as long as he can remember. His Gran had raised him, and he’d been grateful to her and loved her fiercely, but there had been few things he loved as a kid more than having sleepovers at the Potters’, or spending summer days at their house, which was always bursting with friends and cousins and aunts and uncles and fun. The Potter house had always been so full of life that Teddy never felt lonely there, never had enough quiet time to wonder where he belonged. No matter how much time Teddy spent there, how many nights he crashed on the bed kept just for him or how many dinners he ate, even after leaving Hogwarts and starting his Auror training, he’d never felt unwelcome or unwanted.

Harry and Ginny’s house had always been full in every way possible. Full of people, full of noise, full of laughter — full of love.

Which makes it all the stranger when Teddy steps through the Floo at exactly six o’clock to find everyone sitting at the table staring at empty plates, the silence in the room almost suffocating. Most nights, dinner at the Potters’ is a rowdy affair, everyone laughing and joking and talking over each other as mouthwatering dishes are passed around the table.

“Uh, hello,” he says, feeling awkward in front of them for the first time in his entire life.

“Oh look, Teddy’s finally here. Can we all bloody eat now?” Albus grumbles, voice tinged with bitterness.

“I didn’t know there was a set time for dinner, I’m sorry.” Teddy tries to smile but it comes out as more of a grimace. He wants to step right back through the Floo and go home.

“Don’t apologise, Ted,” Ginny insists, nodding to the empty seat at the end of the table next to Albus. “Albus is always grumpy when he’s hungry.”

Albus looks like he’s ready to disagree, but Lily shoots him a death glare from across the table and he snaps his mouth shut. James’s eyes dart around the table as if he’s trying to catch on to a story without a beginning, which Teddy supposes he is. Guilt swells up inside of him at wanting to go home because of his own discomfort when James is sitting there looking lost.

“Right, why don’t we all dig in,” Ginny says in an overly cheerful voice. Teddy politely refrains from asking why they waited for him when they’ve never had mealtimes this formal before. He’s pretty sure none of them quite know how to act, but he’s not sure pretending to be something they aren’t is going to help anyone relax, especially not James.

“Do you need help, James?” Harry asks.

“I lost my memory, not the use of my hands.” He looks embarrassed the second the words are out of his mouth. He sighs. “Sorry.”

Albus snorts, clearly trying not to laugh. “It’s alright, you were always a bit of a sarcastic wanker. At least we can see that hasn’t changed. You lost your memory, not your winning personality.”

“Albus!” Harry yells, but Albus just sticks his chin out defiantly.

“What? Why are we all acting like like this? James isn’t company! He’s family! Just act normal, for fuck’s sake.”

“Does anyone want some peas?” Lily all but shouts, clearly trying to diffuse the tension.

No one says anything and it's on the tip of Teddy’s tongue to ask for some even though he hates peas, when James reaches out to take the bowl. “Sure, thanks.”

“You hate peas,” Albus mumbles.

James’s shoulders tense, the spoon poised above his plate. He doesn’t look up, but there’s something heavy in his movements as he dumps the peas onto his plate anyway. Teddy wants to cry again. He’d known James didn’t remember them, didn’t remember his home or how to play Quidditch or even how to cast spells, but not once had Teddy stopped to realise all the little things James might not remember — apparently even what foods he likes.

“How about some bangers and mash? You love it.” Ginny offers.

James smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Thanks.”

The rest of the meal passes by in the same sort of awkward liminal space in which no one seems entirely sure how to address the reality of James’s memory loss, the fact that James doesn’t know anything.. Mostly, though, it's pretty uneventful, at least compared to how it started, until Ginny brings out the pudding.

“I know you’ll want some of this.” Ginny looks _pleased_.

“I’m pretty full, actually,” James answers honestly, clearly not recognising the look in Ginny’s eyes the way everyone else now has. Lily looks on the verge of tears, and Albus and Harry are looking back and forth between James and Ginny.

“It’s apple crumble.” Ginny’s voice begins to tremble. “You love apple crumble.”

James’s face starts to take on a pinched look and Teddy wants to intervene, wants to remind them all what the tension in James’s shoulders and the catch in his breathing means — that James is overwhelmed. The words don’t come, though. He doesn’t want to overstep, doesn’t know how to say “I know your son better than you” without explaining.

“I’m really not—”

“I think if you just have a little bit, you’ll remember that it's your favourite.” Ginny walks around the table, serving some to James despite the frown on his face. “Your Gran Molly taught me how to make it when I was your age. When you were little you’d always sneak into the kitchen and try to eat it while it was still hot. You never did listen. You were such a headstrong child, and always so impatient.”

James opens his mouth, then shuts it again when Ginny pours custard over the top. “There, now it's just how you love it.”

“Mum, I don’t think he wants it,” Albus finally says when James looks at him helplessly.

“Nonsense. I know everything about James and so long as he can’t remember, we’ll just help him.”

“What if I don’t?” James blurts out, still staring at the apple crumble.

“Don’t think like that. The Healers said—”

“I’m eighteen, not five. I bloody well know what the Healers said. And I might not get my memories back, so stop trying to act like a fucking piece of crumble is going to make me remember how happy we were before I ruined everything.”

“James—” Harry and Ginny try at the same time, but James pushes away from the table and bounds up the stairs two at a time. One of the bedroom doors slams shut before anyone can even entertain the idea of following him.

“I’d love some apple crumble, Ginny,” Teddy says quietly when it looks like Ginny might cry. She wipes at her eyes, nodding and forcing on a smile as she piles Teddy’s plate high.

Teddy’s never been a fan of apple crumble, but when he takes a bite he closes his eyes and tries to remember what it tasted like on James’s lips.

***~*~*~***

_“James, we can’t do this here.”_

_James smiles, that blinding smile of his that's so wide his eyes nearly disappear, the skin at the corners of his eyes crinkling up and all of his top teeth showing. “Yes,” he huffs out, dragging Teddy behind the shed. “Yes we can.”_

_“Jamie,” Teddy tries again, but it sounds more like a plea than a refusal._

_“Don’t you want me? You know I want you.” James is so honest with his desires it takes Teddy’s breath away sometimes._

_“Of course I do, but your entire family is inside. Literally the entire family,” Teddy laughs, peeking around the shed so he can see masses of redheads milling around the kitchen. “Besides, we’re going home in less than an hour. Can’t it wait?”_

_James smirks this time, pushing Teddy backwards until his shoulder blades hit the shed. “I don’t want to wait. I. Want. You.” James punctuates the last words with kisses up Teddy’s neck and cheek until he’s pressing their foreheads together. “Want you now.”_

_Teddy closes his eyes and thinks about all the ways they could be caught, about the fact that he and James have only been together for a few weeks now and how he isn’t remotely ready to explain to anyone else what they are when he’s still scared to admit it to himself. So he leans forward, capturing James’s lips instead, swallowing down the moan James makes and wrapping his arms around him._

_James whimpers loudly, his hands fisting in the front of Teddy’s soft cotton shirt as Teddy drags his tongue along James’s bottom lip. James taste like butterbeer and apple cobbler — it's warm and spicy and Teddy is sure he could exist on the sounds James makes, the way he tastes, for the rest of his life and want for nothing._

***~*~*~***

Teddy is surprised how easily he falls into a new routine. He wakes early, heading to work, where he and Harry never mention James. Until the second they’re both off duty, when they talk of nothing but James. Teddy tries to tell himself to give them all some space, but he finds himself Flooing home with Harry almost every day, his hope of seeing some improvement always simmering below the surface.

Day by day, James begins to settle. He stops looking so scared of saying or doing the wrong thing and starts trying to just be himself. The problem, however, at least as far as Teddy sees it, is that Harry and Ginny are pretty much smothering James to death. James can’t even go to the loo without one of them making sure he’s okay, constantly asking if he needs help, if anything seems familiar, or asking if he needs anything.

“I’ve got a bet going with Lily on how long it’ll take him to snap,” Albus whispers, when, after nearly three weeks, Ginny is still asking James if he remembers which bedroom is his.

“That’s not very nice,” Teddy tells him but Albus merely rolls his eyes.

“Nothing about this is nice. I’m being realistic.”

“You and Lils go back to school next week.” Teddy’s changing the subject, he’s become really good at that recently.

Albus sighs heavily, kicking the ground. “I don’t want to. I want to stay home, but Mum and Dad said no.”

“They just want you and Lily to get on with your lives to—”

“I don’t want to get back to my life! I want my brother back! Who gives a flying fuck about Transfigurations when James can’t remember the time we begged Mum and Dad to let us camp in the backyard with Lily when I was nine and we told scary stories and pretended we didn’t know Dad slept in a sleeping bag outside the tent because he was scared to leave us alone. And I want him to remember the time he threw chocolate cake in my face when I told you he had a crush on you when he was thirteen, or the time Gran Molly nearly called the Ministry on us when we snuck that bottle of Firewhiskey out of her cupboard for James’s belated fifteenth birthday celebration and we both got so drunk we fell down the stairs.”

The weight of Albus’s words hit Teddy like a Bludger to the gut, painful and unexpected. “Albus—”

“Don’t you fucking miss him? You’re here all the time and you just watch him! You never say anything! Don’t you miss him?” Albus lashes out, trying to punch Teddy in the chest but Teddy’s got nearly a foot on him in height and years of Auror training, so it's not hard to stop him.

“Fuck you!” Albus screams, struggling against Teddy’s hold. Teddy pulls him into a hug, ignoring the way he tries to kick him in the shin.

“I miss him too, Albus. I miss him so much.” The fight seems to go out of Albus and he buries his face in Teddy’s chest and cries harder than Teddy has seen since the first night Albus was sorted Slytherin and was too scared to go to his dorm without James. Albus cries hard enough he doesn’t notice Teddy’s tears falling into his hair, or if he does, he doesnt say anything.

***~*~*~***

Teddy jumps awake with a start when he hears a loud crash in the living room. He’s out of his bed with his wand in hand in less than two seconds, nearly running down the corridor, wand held aloft and ready to cast a Disarming Charm — or something worse if necessary.

Except there’s no Dark wizard in his living room. It’s just James. James, who is wobbling slightly, trying to stand up the end table he’s knocked over and laughing to himself. James is dressed in his pyjamas, a soft-looking pair of red flannel bottoms with an even softer red shirt. Teddy knows exactly how the material feels beneath his fingers or pressed against his body because he’s used to James sleeping on top of him.

“James?”

James startles, turning around to squint at Teddy. “Teddy!” he slurs almost cheerfully, as if it isn't half past one in the morning.

“Are you drunk?”

James makes a loud snorting noise, shaking his head from side to side and waving his arms around. “Course I’m—” but then he looks dizzy, squeezing his eyes shut and nearly falling over. Teddy is fast enough to catch him, dropping his wand and placing steadying hands on James’s waist.

“Easy, Jamie.”

“How come you’re the only one who calls me Jamie?” His breath is so warm ghosting across Teddy’s jaw and he has to physically fight the urge to close the small gap between them and kiss him. He misses James so much his body aches having him this close. Teddy realises he hasn’t been this close to James since that moment James had touched him in the hospital while he was morphing.

“It’s just something you and me share,” he whispers, his fingers snaking out to brush the wisps of hair that are falling into his eyes from James’s forehead.

“Do we share anything else?” James asks, voice so quiet it almost feels as if Teddy has dreamed the words.

James looks so young, so hopeful and lost and Teddy wants nothing more than to tell him everything is going to be okay. He wants to hold him and kiss him and never let him go but he can’t. James hasn't said a single thing about remembering and Teddy doesn’t have the heart to add one more thing to the the list of things James cannot remember.

“Course we share other things but I think maybe you should go home. Harry and Ginny will be so worried.”

The second he says the words he knows they’re the wrong ones because James wrenches out of his grasp and stumbles backward, falling into the wall. “Fuck you! Fuck all of you!” he shouts angrily, sliding to the floor when it's clear he can’t manage to stand up on his own two feet. “You all keep telling me I’ll remember who to be, but no one will let me be _anything_!”

“James—” Teddy tries but the glare James shoots him stops him.

“Lily cries all the time and Albus yells and Mum and Dad fuss and you just stare!”

“I think,” Teddy tries again, but this seems to make James even angrier.

“Oh fuck off! I’m so tired of hearing what everyone else thinks. No one asks me, you know. What I think, what I feel. All anyone else wants to know is what I _remember_. It’s like...it’s like everyone knows the ending of this story and they’re waiting for me to remember but I don’t remember the beginning or the end. All I’ve got are these flashes of the in between that don’t make any fucking sense.”

Teddy feels James’s words crash into him with the force of a hex, sudden and powerful. Harry hadn’t mentioned James getting _any_ memories back.

“How do you feel?” Teddy asks quietly, moving to stand opposite James and sitting down, stretching his legs out so James is bracketed safely between them. James always used to say he liked sitting like this, liked being surrounded by Teddy. He only hopes it's still true in James’s heart, even if his brain can’t remember.

“I feel...like I’m disappointing everyone.”

“You’re not.”

James breathes deeply, dropping his head back against the wall and staring at the ceiling. “I’m too scared to tell them I’m getting some of my memories back, in case they’re not the right ones.”

Teddy doesn’t know how to tell James that anything he remembers is good enough, when it doesn’t feel like the truth, not really. Not when he knows they’ve all got expectations of who they want — who they _need_ — James to be again and apparently none of them are doing as good of a job of hiding it as they thought. Teddy stares at the floor, sending Harry and Ginny a patronus to let them know James is with him and wishing it were under different circumstances.

When he finally gets the courage to look up, it’s to find James with his mouth wide open, head resting against the wall, fast asleep.

“Oh, Jamie,” he whispers, moving to try to heft him up but James is out like a rock. He’d always been a deep sleeper. So Teddy bends down and lifts him up, bypassing James’s room and taking him to their room. He knows it’s selfish, but he cant stop himself from laying James down on his side of the bed, from pulling the duvet up over him and gliding his fingers across his cheekbones.

Teddy tries to stop the shaking of his hands as he presses one soft kiss to James’s forehead before sliding to the floor beside _their_ bed, collapsing in a heap and crying as he realises the next morning his sheets will smell like James but once again James will be gone.

Teddy doesn’t know how much longer he can keep pretending he is okay.

***~*~*~***

The next morning, James walks into the kitchen looking almost sheepish, rubbing his hands on his thighs and practically shifting from side to side on his feet.

“Take that before you say anything,” Teddy insists, pointing to a hangover potion in the middle of the table. James doesn’t question it, just grabs it and knocks it back in one gulp, sighing in apparent relief.

“Thanks, that’s loads better.”

Teddy takes a long, slow drink of his coffee, his eyes never leaving James’s face, before he opens his mouth to speak. “I owe you an apology.”

Whatever James was expecting, it clearly wasn’t that. He pulls out the chair and sits down, propping his chin on his upturned hands and watching Teddy. It’s such a familiar sight that Teddy nearly chokes on his coffee. “Pretty sure as the one who barged through your Floo in the middle of the night using the Floo while drunk, I’m the one meant to apologise.”

“No, James, you’re really not. I can’t speak for your mum and dad but I think I’ve been working so hard not to overwhelm you with who I remember you to be that I didn’t let you know who I am. So, hi, I’m Teddy,” he says, softly holding out his hand.

James’s eyes crinkle in the corners as he laughs. “I know who you are, you know. Well, mostly.” But James reaches out and shakes his hand just the same.

“So what do you know about me, then?” Teddy asks, trying to remain calmer than he feels. “Not what you've been told. What you know.” He purposely avoids the word ‘remember.’

James appears to think it over for long moments, his soft brown eyes boring into Teddy. “Did you walk me to my first Quidditch practice?” he asks, voice tinged with uncertainty.

The onslaught of emotions hit Teddy like a ton of bricks and he takes several steadying breaths before answering. “Yeah, Jamie. You were nervous and we walked down to the pitch together. You were in second year and you’d just made the house team. It was my last year at Hogwarts.”

“Thank you,” James says quietly.

“You can always ask me anything, you know.”

James looks nervous but when Teddy nods to show he means it, James opens his mouth again. “I just noticed...some of my stuff was in there.” He gestures vaguely down the corridor. “The room that I woke up in, I mean. But that’s your room, right?”

All the air leaves Teddy’s chest as if he’s been Stunned. Fuck. It hadn’t occurred to him that James would ask questions about waking up in their room, he’d taken him there automatically because it was James’s bed too. It was where he belonged. He hadn’t spared a thought to the possible represcussions. “Yeah but the bed in your room wasn’t made. I hope that’s ok.”

“And my stuff?” Teddy wishes he knew what the look on James’s face meant. He can’t remember a time where he couldn’t tell what James was thinking just by looking at him. Hadn’t realised how viscerally it would hurt.

“I was getting stuff together to bring over to your house,” he lies. Teddy wants more than anything to tell James the truth, to tell him everything right now, but he’s terrified of overwhelming James. Terrified that the person James is now won’t want Teddy, or just as horrifying that James might feel pressured or obligated to be with Teddy.

Teddy isn’t sure if James believes him, but he doesn't ask anything else, instead he quietly accepts the tea and toast Teddy slides across the table for him. It isn't until much later, after breakfast and a shower when Teddy is getting ready to take James back home, that James reaches out to touch his arm and smiles.

“Thanks.”

“What for?”

“I can’t remember why...things feel fuzzy. The memories— it’s like I can almost touch them, but they’re out of reach. I don’t...I don’t remember you, not much, but I feel like maybe you took care of me, like you did last night. Like we were friends. Before.”

“We were. We _are_ ,” Teddy answers, throwing his arm around James’s shoulder and wondering how many more times his heart can break.

Teddy grabs a handful of Floo powder from the mantle and tosses it onto the flames, tightening his hold on James as they step through the Floo. James holds on tightly to Teddy’s arm, even after he’s regained his balance and the soot has settled.

“Did I hate that before? Because I sure as hell hate it now.” James groans, making a disgusted face as he spits out a bit of soot.

“You’ve always hated Floo travel. You were so happy the day you got your Apparition license. You—” but his words are cut off as Ginny slams into James and hugs him tightly.

“We were so worried.”

“I told you he was with me. He was safe. I would never let anything happen to him.” Teddy knows he shouldn't take it personally, but it's hard not to.

James pats Ginny awkwardly before pulling out of the hug. “I’m fine.”

“But—”

“I’m fine!” James snaps, pursing his lips and crossing his arms.

“He can handle more than you think he can,” Teddy interjects as confidently as he can, trying to ignore the look Ginny shoots him, understanding for the first time that whether anyone else agrees, James needs _him_.

His resolution lasts all of two seconds, however, before Ginny’s eyes blaze. “Teddy, we’re his parents. I think we know best.”

“I’m sure Teddy means well,” Harry adds.

“Of course, you know best. I just want to help,” Teddy caves, unable to challenge Harry and Ginny. Not now, at least. He knows they only want what’s best for James. They all do.

It’s not until Teddy is home in his bed, the scent of James still lingering on his pillow, that he wonders why what's supposed to be what's best for James doesn’t seem to be helping anyone, least of all James.

***~*~*~***

Two days later, the night before Lily and Albus are set to go back to Hogwarts, is the day Teddy realises people seriously underestimate Albus.

“Hey Teddy, can you help me get my trunk shut? It’s too full,” Albus hollers from halfway up the stairwell. Teddy hadn’t given the request a second thought, had simply excused himself from his conversation with Harry and headed up the stairs.

“Where’s your—” but Teddy is barely in the room before Albus stalks towards him and backs him up against the wall.

“Do you think I’m stupid?” Albus’s voice is firm.

“Albus, what the hell?”

Albus narrows his eyes and presses his elbow into the middle of Teddy’s chest. He’s not strong enough for it to actually hurt, but it’s unusual enough that Teddy feels entirely caught off guard and uncomfortable. “I said, do you think I’m stupid?”

“Of course I don’t think you’re stupid.”

“I _know_.”

Teddy’s stomach flips. Albus can’t possibly know about him and James. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Albus makes an annoyed noise, dropping his arm and releasing Teddy. He begins to pace the room as he talks, his body thrumming with nervous energy. “I wondered before, you know. James has had a crush on you fucking forever. But you never said anything to encourage him, you never did anything. I thought it was all James.”

“Albus—”

“No! It’s my turn to talk. I should’ve known when James moved in with you, but he told me it was alright, that he would be fine. He said it wouldn’t be a problem living with you and I should’ve known it was because you were using him.”

“I never used James!” Teddy can’t keep the anger out of his voice.

“James hates secrets. He never would’ve kept this a secret, not from me, not unless you asked him to. And Merlin knows James would do anything for you.”

“You don’t understand, Albus.”

“I understand just fine! You were with him. Don’t try to deny it. You’ve been moping around here for weeks since the accident. You never even go home! You just sit around with Dad and stare at James like he died, but he’s right there. He’s right there and you’re a fucking coward and you don’t deserve him!”

“I love him.” Teddy feels all the anger leave him, replaced by nothing but emptiness. He can’t even be mad at Albus because he knows he’s right. No one knows about their relationship and it’s all because of him.

“How long?” Albus asks, seemingly taken aback by Teddy’s confession.

“Since the day he left Hogwarts.”

Albus lets out a slow whistle, fixing his eyes on Teddy in a way that makes him feel like Albus could kill him if he wanted to. He’s not used to Albus’s anger being directed at him. “Did you make him keep it a secret?”

“It wasn’t like that.”

“I said, did you make him keep it a secret?”

Every ounce of fight leaves Teddy as he leans back against the wall, shoving his hands in his jean pockets and staring at the floor, eyes stuck on a small dark spot in the floorboards from the time Albus tried to hex James when they were thirteen.

“Yes.”

***~*~*~***

_“We could tell them, you know. It wouldn’t be a big deal.” James lies back on Teddy’s bed — or their bed as Teddy has already begun to think of it since James hasn’t spent a single night in the guest bed — grinning up at Teddy as if he doesn’t have a care in the world. His long arms reach above his head in a stretch as he rolls onto his stomach and rests his head on his folded arms to watch Teddy put on his Auror robes._

_Teddy is pretty sure Harry and Ginny finding out he is fucking their son just two weeks after he left Hogwarts would be a big deal. A huge deal. A deal the likes of which Teddy isn’t sure he’s emotionally prepared to deal with. His conviction that he wants James is only strong enough to let James know that, not anyone else. “I don’t think we need to tell anyone. Not yet.”_

_A look of something that looks almost like sadness flashes across James’s eyes fast enough for Teddy to doubt if he really saw it, replaced by James’s usual smile. “But we will, right? Eventually?”_

_Teddy returns the smile, ignoring the fact that he’s going to be late for work and climbing back onto the bed and delighting in the hitch in James’s breathing. James is so responsive Teddy doesn’t want to stop touching him, making him laugh, just being with him every single moment. Teddy’s been late every day this week and he’s not sure he sees that stopping any time soon. Having James in his home, in his bed, is proving to be more than a little bit distracting._

_“Of course we will. It’s just new and I just...want it to be about us. Just for a little bit. You can’t blame me if I want you all to myself, everyone wants a piece of James Potter, but for now I’m the only one who gets you.”_

_James laughs, rolling onto his back and not so casually kicking the sheet down until he’s almost completely exposed. “Can you blame them? I’m irresistible.”_

_“So fucking modest, too,” Teddy agrees in mock seriousness, straddling James’s waist and running his hands up each of James’s arms until he’s linking their fingers and dragging James’s hands above his head. “You know what else you are?”_

_James’s chest rises and falls rapidly as he licks his lips, looking at Teddy expectantly. “What?_

_“Mine, Jamie. You’re mine.”_

***~*~*~***

Teddy thought that maybe once Albus and Lily were back at Hogwarts, things might change for the better. Not that Teddy thought Albus and Lily were hampering James’s progress, he just knew that Harry and Ginny were not only worried about James but for all their kids’ emotional well-being and that perhaps knowing Albus and Lily were safe and back into their routines at Hogwarts, they might relax a little around James.

Unfortunately, when Teddy comes over for dinner three days later, the first time he has the nerve to see James since his encounter with Albus, it’s to find that, if anything, things seem more tense.

“Teddy, you’re here! James has been looking forward to seeing you all day.”

James makes a face, shooting Ginny a look that can only be described as teenage petulance. “Thanks so much for sharing that. Gonna tell him what colour towel I dried off with after my shower this morning, too?”

Teddy bites back a laugh, a warmth spreading through him at the knowledge that James had wanted to see him, and amusement at James’s sarcastic tone. He knows it's not actually funny, that James looks terribly annoyed with his mum, but Teddy can’t help but want to see the fire and personality flare back into James, even if it’s not coming out in the best of ways.

“Probably the red one,” Teddy says offhandedly, taking a large serving of shepherd's pie.

“How did you know?” James asks, looking curious.

Teddy can’t help but grin. “Because the day after you moved into the flat with me you complained that all my towels were white and boring and when I got home from work that night you’d spelled them all red and told me if I didn’t have the forethought to pick the colours myself, you’d do it for me. Then you told me if I turned them back white you’d spell all my clothes red.”

James looks like he isn’t sure whether to laugh or apologise, so Teddy winks at him, which causes James to duck his face and blush.

“Yeah well, you can take the boy out of Gryffindor but you can't take the Gryffindor out of the boy,” Harry, adds looking pleased.

“Honestly, you and James should having matching Gryffindor tattoos, the way you two still carry on about house pride.”

“That’s not a half-bad idea, actually,” Harry laughs.

Ginny groans, shaking her head. “James can’t get a tattoo, besides, I was joking.”

“Why can’t I get a tattoo?” James questions.

Ginny opens her mouth, looking like she’s weighing her words carefully. “You might regret it later when...well, you know.” She waves her hand in a vaguely confusing manner that doesn’t help one bit. “It might not be what you would’ve wanted before.”

James’s fingers clench around his fork. “I’m the same person I was before. I know I don’t remember everything, but I’m still..I’m still me.”

“That’s not what I meant, James. Of course you’re the same person. We just want to protect you.”

“From who? From myself?” James slams his fork onto the table and storms out of the room without a backward glance.

“That went well,” Harry tries to smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Harry, in what world did that go well?” Ginny runs her hands through her hair and sighs heavily.

“Well, the last two nights he didn’t get any food in his mouth before he left the table.”

Teddy wonders what it's been like for James to be here, to be the centre of his parents world, to feel the pressure to be everything while also feeling like he’s nothing they need to him to be. Teddy’s heart aches, knowing James well enough to know the type of internalised pressure he must be feeling to remember things, to stop being a burden — to stop being who he is and become who he was.

“I think James needs to come home. With _me_.” Teddy says the words confidently, but still can’t bring himself to look up, doesn’t want to see the looks on Harry’s or Ginny’s face.

“Teddy, I’m not sure—” Harry starts, but Teddy puts his hand up, mildly surprised when Harry stops speaking immediately.

“I’m not asking for your permission. I’m telling you what I think is best for James. I know you both love him, but he’s not...he’s not getting better here.” This isn’t his home anymore, not in the way you think it is, Teddy thinks. Ginny begins to cry and Teddy forces himself to look up, and the pain in Ginny’s eyes takes his breath away. “He loves you. He’ll always be your son. But I think it’s time he remembered who he was for himself instead of trying to ne who he thinks we all need him to be.”

“It’s not your decision to make, Teddy.” Harry’s words are firm and a weaker man would cave, but Teddy knows them for what they are — Harry is afraid of losing James again.

“No it’s not. And it's not yours, either. It’s James’s decision.”

“Can I really come live with you?” James asks from the doorway, so quiet none of them had noticed he’d returned.

“It’s your home, Jamie. You’re always welcome there.”

“This is your home too,” Ginny whispers, clearly trying to hold back her tears. “It’ll always be your home.”

“We’ll support you no matter what you want, James. Even if that means you want to leave.” Harry’s jaw quivers as he says the words and Teddy has a new respect for Harry in that moment, for the type of self-sacrificing love parents have for their children.

James steps into the room, shaking his head back to dislodge the hair in his eyes. His cheeks are flushed and his eyes watery. “I’d like to go with Teddy.”

Teddy doesn’t have the words to express what he feels: pain, loss, fear at fucking things up all over again, fear at not being what James needs, elation at James trusting him enough to pick him. But all of it falls away when James offers him a shaky smile and Teddy knows that James hasn’t lost the one thing he needs to keep going — his bravery.

***~*~*~***

“The loo is just down that way. Your room is the first door on the left. The kitchen is just through here and...this is the living room,” Teddy says gesturing around the small room.

“I have been here before.”

Teddy blushes, rubbing his cheek with his left hand. “Sorry, I’m just nervous. I want you to be comfortable.”

James nods, dropping his bag to the floor and falling back onto the sofa with an undignified groan. “You know, if you really want to make me comfortable you’d feed me. I’m fucking starving.”

It takes Teddy all of two seconds to get over his shock before he laughs, because it's so like James to ignore the awkwardness, and to be so demanding. The more he thinks about it, the more he laughs until he’s collapsing onto the sofa by James’s feet.

“You’re fucking barmy,” James laughs, poking him with his feet. “I like you.”

Teddy huffs, the laughter dying away, replaced by the overwhelming urge to press James down into the sofa and kiss him until James is breathless and begging. Because fuck, but it’s so like James to be so open with his feelings, to have nothing to offer to anyone and somehow still offer himself.

“Lazy as ever, I see.”

James peeks out from beneath the arm thrown over his face. “Phew, I thought I remembered that. Thank fuck I was right. I was afraid maybe I used to be an overachiever. Glad I won’t be disappointing anyone, then.”

Teddy snorts with laughter, falling back onto the sofa and reaching for his wand, Summoning the takeaway menus from the kitchen.

“Right, so what’ll it be? Curry? Pizza? Chinese?”

James begins to tap his left hand on his stomach, something he used to do when he was thinking, and that small action makes Teddy dizzy, just one more small bit of evidence that the James he knows, the James he loves, is still in there. “I don’t have a clue what they taste like. Ginny...I mean my mum, she wouldn’t get takeaway. Said I needed to eat healthy. I can’t remember what I like, though, sorry.” That uncertainty is back in his voice and Teddy wants to do anything to take it away.

“Right, that settles it then.”

James moves his arm, lifting his head off the sofa to squint at Teddy. “How so?”

“We’ll just have to order everything.”

The beaming smile James gives him makes Teddy think it was a great idea.

Nearly an hour later, with takeaway cartons scattered around them and his stomach so full he thinks he might be sick, he’s not so sure.

“That was a brilliant idea,” James says happily, reaching for the last slice of pizza and then stops. “Did you want this?”

“Ugh, no!” Teddy groans, throwing himself back into the sofa cushions and watching as James polishes off not only the last slice of pizza but the last two egg rolls, as well. “You’re like a bottomless pit.”

James shrugs, reaching for Teddy’s last half of discarded naan and starts to pull a piece off, popping it into his mouth. “I’m a growing boy.”

“You’re like a human rubbish bin. I don’t know how Harry and Ginny kept any food in the fridge with you and Albus demolishing it all.”

“Did me and Albus do a lot together?” James asks, suddenly looking sad.

“Yeah, you did. Why?”

James shrugs again, no longer eating the naan and instead ripping it to shreds in his lap. “He seemed mad at me a lot. I was wondering if maybe I was a jerk before and he didn’t like me.”

Pity wells up inside of Teddy and without stopping to think about he reaches out to lay his hand on James’s knee. “You and Albus were both shits to each other, at least a little bit. You share the blame equally, if there’s any blame at all. It’s just how you guys were. But you were also close in a way no one else could touch. Neither of you ever said the words, but...we all knew he was your best friend. He misses you and...Albus, he’s never liked feeling things that intensely. He’s not as comfortable saying how he feels as you’ve always been.”

James looks relieved. “So he doesn’t hate me?”

“I don’t think anyone could ever hate you,” he answers honestly. James is stubborn and kind of loud and a bit of a pain in the arse sometimes. He’s ridiculous and brash and sometimes one track minded. ut he’s so unbelievably kind, good in a way few people are, and the idea of anyone ever hating James is unthinkable.

“Not even my mum and dad because I left?” he whispers softly.

“No one, Jamie. Especially not Ginny or Harry. They love. They’ll always love you.”

James looks up, his eyes so open, and Teddy feels for the first time since the accident that he’s really connecting with James.

***~*~*~***

After a week of eating nothing but takeaway, ensuring James has sufficiently tried everything his heart desires, Teddy finds he’s thoroughly sick of it and wants nothing more than a home-cooked meal.

So when he finally makes it home on Tuesday night, it’s with arms laden down with bags of groceries.

“What’s that?” James asks from the armchair by the fireplace, where he’s curled up reading a beat-up old copy of _Quidditch Through The Ages_ that Teddy recognises from Harry’s study. He wonders when James got it, but doesn’t want to press the issue.

“I know you haven’t forgotten what real food looks like. Come help me.”

James doesn’t argue, just licks his pointer finger before using it to turn the page, bending it down in the corner as a page marker, exactly the way Harry always does. Teddy wonders why he never noticed all the small ways James is so much like Harry before.

“What are you cooking?” James asks, following him into the kitchen.

Teddy glances over his shoulder, watching James unload the bag of vegetables. “I’m not. You are.”

James stops dead in his tracks, a stalk of celery in his hand. “I don’t know how to cook.”

“To be honest, you were shit at cooking before, too, so it should be about the same.”

Teddy watches James out of the corner of his eye, watches the way he chews on his bottom lip deep in thought before nodding his head silently, almost as if acknowledging something only to himself. “Can you show me how?”

Teddy releases a breath, turning around to give James an easy smile. “Always.”

“What do I do first?”

“We’re having pasta. So you need to get the pot. It’s—” but before Teddy can point to the cupboard, James walks over and opens it up, pulling out the large pan Molly had given them when James moved in.

“What next? Just fill it with water, right? And then — why are you looking at me like that?”

“You remembered where the pan was, Jamie.”

“I—” James stops, looking down at the pot in his hands and laughing a sort of crazed, confused laugh as he clenches his hands around the handles. “Yeah I did, didn’t I?”

Teddy tries to hold back, to give James space but every single one of his nerve endings feels wired to James’s presence. It’s just a fucking pot and yet it's _everything_ , it’s one more small way James is remembering and before he can overthink it, Teddy is crossing the small kitchen and hugging James, the pot squashed between them.

“You really love pasta, don’t you?” James teases, shuffling the pot to the side and setting it down on the counter awkwardly, since Teddy’s still got his arms wrapped around him. There’s an apology on the tip of Teddy’s tongue but before he can get it out, James is hugging him back, pressing his face into Teddy’s neck and inhaling slowly. Teddy hesitates for only a second before rubbing his hands up and down James’s back, the way he usually does, the way he know James loves. James makes a soft whimpering sound into Teddy’s neck and Teddy increases the pressure.

“Everything will be okay.”

“Promise?” James mumbles, his lips soft against the juncture of Teddy’s neck and shoulder.

“I promise,” Teddy says assuredly, not because he knows it to be true, but because they both need it to be.

***~*~*~***

_The second Teddy steps through the Floo into the living room, he knows something isn’t quite right. It’s a Friday, which usually means James would be at practice until well past dinner, trudging home so exhausted he can barely keep his eyes open, mud caked to his uniform and a lazy smile as Teddy forces him into the shower instead of the bed. James usually collapses into bed after that, too exhausted to move and not even bothering to eat. Instead, Teddy can hear James banging around the kitchen._

_The other thing Teddy notices almost immediately is that the living room is spotless. Not that either of them are exactly slobs, but their living room definitely never looks like this. There’s not a book out of place on the bookshelves, the couch cushions are fluffed, and every spare sock or piece of James’s broom kit is noticeably absent._

_Though they’ve only been living together a few weeks, they’d fallen into a routine almost instantly, and the change has Teddy walking towards the kitchen slowly, cautious of making any noise to alert James to the fact that he’s home._

_“Buggering fuck,” James curses, jumping back from the stove and shaking his hands. He looks around frantically before reaching for a tea towel and wrapping it around the sides of the pan currently boiling away on the stovetop._

_James shuffles towards the sink with the pan, dumping it into the colander, pasta splashing into the sink and on the floor in the process. “Fucking pasta,” James huffs._

_Teddy leans into the open doorway, crossing his arms across his chest and fighting back a smile as he watches James shake the water out before carrying the pasta back to the stove and not so carefully pouring the pasta into another pot. He reaches for the spoon on the counter, stirring it and looking rather pleased with himself._

_“Right, that’s perfect, just need the — fuck, the bread!” James shouts, dropping the spoon to the floor and splattering spaghetti sauce all over the white tile as he yanks open the oven. “Shit, shit, shit,” James chants, grabbing the pot holder to his left and pulling out a tray of nearly black slices of what Teddy can only assume was supposed to be garlic bread._

_James slams the tray onto the counter, jumping nearly a foot when Teddy walks into the room._

_“You’re not supposed to be home until half past six!”_

_“It’s nearly seven,” Teddy tells him, wrapping his arms around James from behind and resting his chin on his shoulder. “What exactly are you doing?”_

_“I realise that I mucked things up a bit, but I did imagine you could at least tell I was attempting to cook.”_

_Teddy laughs, nuzzling James’s neck, his nose rubbing against the soft strands of freshly washed hair curling at the base of James’s neck and delighting in the little whimper it elicits. “Yeah, I got that. The question is why. I’ve never seen you cook. Ever. What's the occasion?”_

_James’s body tenses, his shoulders going stiff as he leans his head back to rest it on Teddy’s shoulder. “S’been a month since I left Hogwarts.”_

_Teddy kisses along James’s exposed neck, his hands rubbing small circles on James’s stomach, slipping underneath the hem of his thin cotton shirt. “I didn’t realise we were celebrating your one-month anniversary of being an adult.”_

_James huffs, covering Teddy’s hand with his own and moving it lower. “We’re not,” he says in a tone so quiet it almost doesn’t sound like the James that Teddy is used to._

_“Then what are we — oh. Oh,” Teddy breathes. James’s last day at Hogwarts. The first time they kissed. It’s been a month since their first kiss._

_Teddy’s emotions well up inside of him, his chest constricting, and fuck, but he wasn’t prepared for this, for the way he went from wanting James to needing him in the time it took to take one breath._

_James is speaking again, mumbling something, but Teddy doesn’t hear him, just moves around until he’s facing James, his hands cupping James’s face as he leans down to kiss him, because he can’t talk, can’t explain how he feels, can only stand there in the kitchen they share, in their home they’re building, and show James in this quiet way what he means to him._

***~*~*~***

Teddy knew living with James would be hard. He’d talked to Harry and Ginny about it enough before James came back home with him to understand how they felt, to understand how difficult it was to take on a caretaker role.

And yet nothing could have prepared Teddy for the strange reality of living with someone he knew better than he knew himself, and yet sometimes still feeling like he lived with a complete stranger.

James was polite, almost too polite. Not that he’d ever been rude but, aside from the fact that this was actually James’s home, Teddy was used to James being comfortable everywhere he went. He was used to James making himself home in everyone else's home because that’s just who James was. He was warm and open and never felt awkward. There was something in his manner that instantly made other people relax, too, as if they’d known James forever.

But this James, this James was somehow the same and different all at once. He sometimes apologised when he bumped into Teddy in the corridor and asked if he could have the last of the digestives instead of just finishing them off and leaving a note for Teddy on the fridge that said, “Don’t forget to buy my favourite biscuits!” He acted like he was a guest in his own home and it hurt in a way Teddy couldn’t explain. It wasn’t even the ways he selfishly missed James — the ways he missed his laugh or his smile or the feeling of them wrapped together at night — he missed seeing James look happy, to see him looking free.

Teddy tried to do little things, to treat James the same way he had before. But James wasn’t the same, so it didn’t feel the same. It felt confusing and messy and all Teddy wanted was to see James smile.

“Get dressed, we’re going out,” Teddy tells James.

James looks up from his book, _Quidditch Through the Ages_ again, and raises an eyebrow at Teddy. “Where? Please say we don’t have to go Diagon Alley again, everyone stared at me last time and while I realise I’m quite a looker, it’s a bit distracting.” James looks uncomfortable and Teddy doesn’t blame him. It’d been a bit of a shock for James to fully understand how famous he and his family were, to realise how much everyone wanted to get a glimpse of him and know how he was doing.

Teddy can’t stop the laugh that bubbles out, earning him a pleased smile from James, some of the worry seeping out of his shoulders at such a small display of James’s personality blossoming. “We’re going to Muggle London.”

Instead of excited, though, James looks disappointed. “I don’t remember it.”

“Course you don’t, we’ve never been.”

“We’ve not…” James sets his book to the side, scrunching up his face at Teddy. “Wait, what are we doing there then?”

“Something I think you’re going to love. Something neither of us have ever done.”

James jumps up, realisation clearly dawning on him. “Can we go now?”

“Pretty sure you might want to change out of your pyjamas though?”

James looks down at the faded Holyhead Harpies shirt he’s wearing, tugging on his joggers before shrugging and turning to walk down the corridor. “Don’t leave without me!” he hollers.

An hour later, after reminding James that they can’t Apparate without his wand — which St Mungo’s hasn’t officially cleared him to use again yet — and ignoring the kicked crup look on his face, Teddy wraps an arm around James and leads him through the Floo. Seconds later, they step through the London Floo Authority Grate at the Ministry of Magic. James grumbles good naturedly about needing a keeper, but even once they’re out on the pavement, James sticks close to Teddy’s side.

It’s a quick walk, with Teddy checking the tube map in his pocket three times to make sure he doesn’t get them lost, before they’re jumping on the jubilee line from Westminster heading eastbound. James bounces beside him, tapping his hands on his knees and whispering animatedly to Teddy about the eclectic mix of people on the tube and asking him at least ten times during the span of their relatively short trip where they’re going, sticking his tongue out at Teddy every time he tells him it’s a surprise.

“This is us,” Teddy tells James, nudging him in the side as the speaker announces the next stop is North Greenwich.

James’s excitement dulls, replaced with a sort of buzzing anxiety as they both stand, making their way out of the open doors. Several people bump into James, making him grimace and grab Teddy’s arm hard enough to bruise. “Sorry.”

“You’re fine, Jamie.” Teddy covers James’s hand with his own as they leave the tube. Teddy feels guilt threatening to overwhelm him, knowing he shouldn’t be relishing the feeling of James’s strong fingers squeezing his bicep, or paying such close attention to the spicy mix of soap and James’s cologne. It nearly takes Teddy’s breath away to realise how much he can miss someone who is standing right beside him.

“How far is it?” James asks when they emerge onto the pavement.

Teddy points out the huge building not far from them. “There, it’s the O2. It’s a Muggle entertainment venue but we’re going inside, we’re going on top.”

Jame’s eyes widen and he drops his hands to the side nearly jumping. “We get to climb it? Wicked!”

“Thought you might like that,” Teddy laughs, James’s buzz of anticipation washing away Teddy’s nerves.

It takes less time than Teddy had expected to get their tickets and sit through a safety seminar, and before he has time to wonder if it was actually a good idea, their tour guide is helping them into ridiculous looking suits with buckles and harnesses, reminding them all how safe it is. Teddy’s never been a fan of heights, never liked flying much, but James - James was born to be a thrillseeker and Teddy sees the rush of adrenaline hitting James as their harnesses are attached to the wire along the bridge and knows he made the right choice. James’s mind may not remember who he was, but his body does.

“This is amazing!” James yells over the rushing wind once they’re nearly halfway up. Teddy just nods, knowing James can’t actually see him, since he’s in front of Teddy, but unable to speak, unable to do anything but watch the side of James’s face as he takes in the view of London from so high up. James looks excited, exuberant — James looks _alive_.

It takes a little over half an hour before their entire group is on the observation landing on the very top and Teddy leans against the edge of the fence, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

“You alright?” James asks, his hand resting on Teddy’s back briefly before he pulls it away.

“I’m not a big fan of heights,” Teddy confesses.

James looks confused. “Then why’d you pick this?”

Because I’d do anything for you, Teddy thinks. “I thought you’d like it. You’ve always loved things that are just a little bit dangerous.”

“Thanks, it’s—” James pasuses, chewing on his bottom lip and grabbing onto the edge of the protective fence and leaning all the way back, tilting his head to look straight up at the sky. “It’s amazing.”

“Yeah it is,” Teddy agrees, thinking only of James.

By the time they’ve finished the climb down and are back on solid pavement, James is starving, his body buzzing with energy as he walks the edge of the pavement placing one foot in front of the other with his arms spread out as if he’s walking a tightrope.

“Can we get ice cream?” James asks.

“I thought you were hungry?”

“I am. And I want ice cream. Then...then pizza.”

“It’s your day, we can get whatever you want.”

James stops, turning to fix Teddy with an all-too-familiar grin. “Anything?”

“Anything.”

Nearly three hours later, after having walked what felt like the entirety of London in search of a sweet shop, a pizza place, an ice cream parlour that sold pistachio and mint chocolate chip ice cream, which is a disgusting combination in Teddy’s opinion, he is about ready to collapse. His stomach feels full to burst and his feet hurt and he’s questioning the wisdom of letting James have _everything_ he wanted to eat.

Until James presses his shoulder to Teddy’s moments before it’s their turn to head home through the Floo grate at the Ministry, and says casually, as if discussing the weather, “Thanks, Teddy. Today was the first day where I felt like I remembered what it was like to be _me_.”

And Teddy can do nothing but smile, his heart lighter than it has been in months, as they go home _together_.

***~*~*~***

Teddy had hoped the trip to London would help, but even he couldn't have been prepared  
for the the shift. Something subtle and monumental all at once.

“I remember being Sorted at Hogwarts,” James says the next morning over toast, recounting the way he’d known with utter certainty that he’d be in Gryffindor. “It was nice to be sure of who I was,” he confesses.

Two days later, over dinner with Harry and Ginny, James drops his fork mid-bite, his breathing going shallow before he looks at Ginny as if he’s never seen her and whispers, “You sang to me when I was scared.” Ginny’s wine glass shatters in her hand and she begins to sob into her bleeding hand. James wraps her in a hug and strokes her hair. “You have a pretty voice, Mum,” he tells her, holding Ginny as if she were the child, neither of them noticing the way Harry’s tears fall silently down his cheek.

It’s a week later when, over lunch with Harry at the Ministry, Harry gets choked up telling Teddy that James remembers Harry teaching him how to fly.

Teddy isn’t sure what James sends off in his letter to Albus one cool day in mid-October, but whatever it is earns him a Howler in return the same day. _“You made me cry over breakfast in the middle of the Great Hall, you fucking tosspot. P.S. I love you.”_

James sends another letter to Lily three days later, but the return owl brings a letter so covered in tears the ink is illegible but Teddy catches James pressing it to his chest and smiling all the same.

“I remember loving them,” he tells Teddy that night as Teddy turns on the telly, his hand shaking as James scoots closer and steals the remote as easily as he stole Teddy’s heart.

***~*~*~***

“Was I gay?” James blurts out late that Friday night, curled up on the opposite end of the sofa in his favourite pyjamas, the bottoms covered in fluttering Snitches and the shirt with the words “I’m a catch” written across the chest.

Teddy tries not to choke on his beer, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and setting it down on the side table.

“Did you remember something?” Teddy asks, embarrassed at the pitch of his voice, at the tears threatening to spill from his eyes. He’d been trying so hard not to get his hopes up, not to feel jealousy clouding his emotions every time James remembers something important about someone else. He hates resenting them all, hates the feeling of loss he feels again and again every time James’s memory isn’t about him, about _them_.

“Sort of. But..it’s kind of embarrassing,” James huffs, drawing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them before resting his cheek on his knees and blinking at Teddy.

“How old were you?” Teddy asks sympathetically, hating the idea of James being embarrassed to tell him anything. James had never shied away from sharing everything with Teddy, a fact that had taken Teddy a while to come to terms with.

“I’m not sure...fourteen, maybe fifteen. The memory is sort of fuzzy. I just remember feeling _things_.” James’s freckles seem to stand out even more as a red blush spreads across his face and Teddy has to resist the urge to run the pad of his thumb across James’s cheekbone.

“Ah, yeah. That’s—” Teddy inhales deeply, puffing out his cheeks and blowing the air out slowly. He wants to be honest with James, knows he needs to be honest. But Teddy isn’t sure how to explain the truth without convoluting it with his own feelings, without making James feel ashamed of what happened without understanding what they became later. “When you were sixteen, you told me you were in love with me,” Teddy says honestly.

James’s mouth falls open and he rubs his hand along the back of his neck looking horrified. “Fuck. I’m sorry.”

“Jamie, you don’t have anything to apologise for. This is hard...it’s hard to explain because I don’t want to tell you who you were or how you felt. I don’t want to force the memories there before you’re ready. But you have to understand something. You and me, we’ve always been close, alright, and that won’t ever change.”

“You were horrified, weren’t you?”

“No, Jamie. I wasn’t horrified. I was flattered. Embarrassed, a bit, to be honest.”

James looks like he’s not entirely sure whether he should laugh or cry. “I was probably the one who was embarrassed.”

Teddy shakes his head. “You weren’t. You were...breathtaking in your conviction,” Teddy admits, reaching for his beer and taking a huge chug before he gets the nerve to speak again. “You were so sure of yourself, James. Always. From the time you were born you knew who you were and what you wanted and you were never ashamed to say how you felt.”

“Yeah well, I’m guessing you didn’t reciprocate,” James finally laughs, dropping his forehead onto his knees. Teddy wishes he’d lift his face, wishes he could see whatever it was James was trying to hide from him.

“You were sixteen, James. And I was too old for you then.”

“So, definitely gay then,” James mumbles into his knees.

“Yeah, James you were. You are. It’s not a big deal. I’m pansexual, you know. Everyone knows...about both of us I mean. It doesn’t change anything. And there’s nothing to be embarrassed about with me. You’ve always been exactly who you were meant to be.”

“I’m not upset about being gay. I just hate this. I hate having to ask about who I was. Who I am.” James mumbles, voice thick with emotion. Teddy can see the lines of James’s shoulders begin to shake and doesn’t need to see his face to know he’s crying. Teddy doesn’t hesitate this time, just drops his beer and clambers across the sofa, pulling James into his arms despite his resistance.

Teddy wants so much to tell James how much he loves him, how much James means to him, but he can’t find the words, can’t stand the idea of adding another layer of lost memories to the confusion James must feel. So instead, Teddy presses his face into the top of James’s mass of hair and lets the tears he’s been holding onto for weeks finally fall, allowing himself to wonder for the first time how he will survive if those pieces of James’s memory that involve him never come back.

***~*~*~***

Over the next few weeks, every bit of progress that Teddy thought he’d made with James seems to slip away. James still smiles at him, but it’s tense, he still tells Teddy about his day, but he leaves out all the bits Teddy wants to hear the most — like the things that made James laugh or how he feels.

More often than not, when Teddy goes into the kitchen to make the tea before work, James is already sitting at the table looking tense and upset, not having slept much.

James’s memory returns enough that he’s finally allowed his wand, and cleared to return to training — something Harry and Ginny are firmly against but that James does anyway, shouting that it's the only thing he’s sure he needs in his life.

James spends, if possible, even more time than before the accident at practice. Teddy is sure it’s the stress of returning to his life, of trying to be exactly who he was before. But Teddy can’t help but feel like instead of getting closer, James is slipping further and further away from him.

It isn’t until Teddy goes to surprise James at practice to find him laughing with his teammates, looking comfortable and happy, that it occurs to Teddy that James isn’t shutting himself off from the world, only from Teddy.

Teddy is losing James all over again and it's probably all his own fault.

***~*~*~***

It’s two in the morning when Ginny finds Teddy drinking in her kitchen.

“Teddy?” Ginny’s voice is sleepy and confused as she pads into the kitchen in her dressing gown, pushing the hair out of her eyes. James has her eyes. They’re so brown and warm.

“Sorry.”

“Teddy, is everything—”

“James is fine. James is fine,” Teddy repeats, taking the last drink of the beer he’d taken out of the fridge — Guinness, Harry’s favourite.

“Is Harry...can I talk to Harry?” Teddy forces out, knowing if he doesn’t say the words now he won’t ever say them.

“Of course. I’ll go get him.”

Teddy is grateful Ginny doesn’t question him. He’s not sure he could lie but even less sure he could handle telling her the truth. Not that he hasn’t always loved Ginny, but he’s never been close to her, not the way he is with Harry.

“What’s wrong?” Harry asks worriedly, putting on his glasses as he pads into the kitchen in his pyjamas, yawning and rubbing his hands over his face.

“I think I’ve fucked everything up.”

“You’re drunk, Teddy.”

“Doesn’t change the truth,” Teddy sighs, frowning when he realises his beer is empty. He moves to get another one but Harry puts out a hand, resting it on his shoulder and gently pushes him back into the chair.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing,” Teddy lies.

“Teddy Lupin, I have known you since you were born. I know you like I know my own children. Don’t lie to me.”

His tone is firm but kind and Teddy tries not to cry at the possibility of losing respect and love from Harry, the closest person he has beside his Gran and James. He’s loved Harry since he knew what love meant, has respected him, wanted to make him proud. And now he’s about to tell him that he’s been seeing his son in secret and possibly break his heart.

“Whatever you have to say,” Harry says, “can’t be any harder than what we’ve all been dealing with the last few months.”

Teddy links his fingers atop the table, staring at his own hands. “I don’t know how to tell you.”

“The same way you’ve told me everything else, Teddy. One word at a time.”

“That’s easy for you to say.”

Harry snorts. “Please, do you have any idea how many years of practice it took me to be able to communicate in a way that didn't leave Ginny wanting to bang her head into the wall?”

Teddy feels his lips turn up despite his mood, glancing a look at Harry, who is smiling at him warmly, looking at him in a way that makes Teddy think, makes him hope, that nothing he can do would ruin his place in Harry’s family.

“I’m in love with James.”

Harry is quiet for a moment, then lets out a low whistle. “Right, well...I mean.”

“Fuck,” Teddy groans, dropping his face onto the table.

“It’s alright, I mean, okay, I wasn’t exactly expecting this. But you know, when James gets all his memories back, he might feel the same.” Harry knows, of course, like they all had, that James had a crush on Teddy over the years. James had never exactly been subtle about it.

“S’before that,” Teddy mumbles against the wood table, his words garbled.

“Huh?”

Teddy sighs heavily, lifting his face up to stare at Harry. “Before. I was in love with him before. And he...he loved me back. We were together. I love him so much I can barely breathe when I look at him and he doesn’t remember.”

Harry’s mouth falls open and he runs his hands through his hair, fixing his gaze on Teddy, clearly not sure what to say. “And what about...now?” He’s clearly doing his best to remain calm. Teddy can see his wand hand twitching, see the tension in his forearms.

“He doesn’t remember. At least I don’t think he does and I...I haven’t told him.”

Harry whistles again, standing up and pacing the small kitchen. “How long?”

Teddy’s shoulders slump. He can’t bear to watch the emotions playing across Harry’s face. “Almost two months. Since...since the day he left Hogwarts.”

“Fuck, Teddy, why didn’t you two tell anyone?”

Guilt and regret rise in Teddy’s throat as if threatening to choke him. “I wasn’t ready. James wanted to, but I asked him not to. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone, or risk what might happen if you and Ginny weren’t okay with it.”

“What did you think Ginny and I would do? Ban you from our home? Tell you that you weren’t good enough for James? Teddy, we’ll always love you.” Harry’s voice is so calm, so confident.

Harry’s quiet acceptance is too much and Teddy begins to cry, rubbing at his face angrily as the tears refuse to stop. “Albus says I’m a coward.”

“Albus knows? Who else knows?”

“Just Albus and me and...well now you. And I know you’ll tell Ginny because you hate secrets so I guess she’ll know soon, too.”

“James deserves to know the truth.”

“I wanted him to remember me without me having to tell him,” Teddy whispers, the words impossibly hard to force out. “I don’t want this to become one more thing he can’t remember on his own, to become a burden or a painful expectation he can’t live up to. I don’t want him to feel forced to be with me.”

Harry sits in the chair beside him, reaching out to rub Teddy’s back the same way he did when was Teddy was a kid, when he was scared. “I’m pretty sure you were the one who reminded me and Ginny that James could handle more than we thought. And Teddy, when has James ever, ever done anything he didn’t want to? I know it’s hard, it’s been hard on all of us. Maybe for you in ways me and Ginny hadn’t quite understood, but he’s still our James. All of ours. He’ll always be our James.”

“You’re not mad?” Teddy asks, daring a glance at Harry.

“I don’t know what I am, but no, Teddy, I’m not mad. Surprised. Confused. Hurt you didn’t tell us — then and now. I think we deserved to know. But I won’t pretend to be stupid enough to not understand why you didn’t. But you have to tell him before the memories come back and he doesn’t understand them.”

“What if he doesn't want me anymore?” Teddy voices his fear out loud for the first time, amazed when the world doesn’t end at the admission.

“Then you’ll deal with that. We all will. And I’ll be there for you the same way I would for James. I love you, Teddy. I know everything has been about James for awhile, but you’re no less important now than you were before.”

Teddy is surprised to find the knot of unease in his chest lessening, amazed at how much he’d needed Harry’s acceptance.

“Fuck, I need to tell James,” Teddy shouts, standing suddenly and then grabbing onto the table when the room begins to spin.

“Whoa, easy there. What you need to do is sober up. You can sleep in the guest room and then tomorrow after you’ve had some tea and a shower go home, talk to James, and find a way to make things right.”

“Thank you, Harry.”

But Harry just shakes his head and wraps his arm around Teddy’s shoulder and leads him up the stairs. “That’s what family is for, Teddy.”

***~*~*~***

_Teddy rubs the back of his neck, the sun impossibly warm even for the end of June. He’s pretty sure he’s gonna have a sunburn and wonders belatedly if he’s got any of that potion that soothes burns leftover from last summer._

_The entire garden is swarming with James’s extended family — every single cousin, every aunt and uncle and distant relation is there — and Teddy has spent the last hour trying in vain to catch James’s eye, but every time he stops talking to one person another family member walks over to congratulate him on how many N.E.W.T.s he scored, or his contract with Puddlemere United, or his bright future._

_It’s not till the sun begins to set that Teddy is finally able to get a moment alone with James without a nosy cousin or Albus or Lily hanging around. Somehow, and Teddy is never quite sure how, he ends up behind the large tree in the corner of the yard near the shed, not another person in sight. He can hear everyone laughing and talking and milling around, but there’s an illusion of privacy as James follows him just out of sight._

_“Hey,” Teddy whispers, wondering when exactly James got so tall. He’s nearly as tall as Teddy now, just a few inches shorter than him and Teddy can’t stop himself from wondering exactly how James would fit if he pulled him into his arms. His face has filled out a bit, his chest even seems broader. The light from the setting sun is casting a sort of pinkish glow upon the garden and James’s eyes seem to sparkle._

_James is gorgeous._

_James had always been handsome, but in a way that Teddy recognised objectively, never in a way that felt like it held any personal attraction. James was a good looking kid and an attractive teenager but he was still just that — a kid. Or least he had been. Before._

_But the last few months of James’s school career had changed something, the tone of their letters had shifted and Teddy wasn’t even sure when it happened. He just realised one day while reading James’s letter over his afternoon tea that the teasing felt more charged, the flirting from James felt less like blind brashness and more like an attempt at calculated seduction._

_Teddy had tried to ignore it, to push the feelings aside. It was easy enough to ignore when the last time he’d seen James was the Christmas holidays and he’d been hanging spoons off his nose with Albus and cracking jokes about farting._

_But the James here, the James before him now, is something different. He is still the same, all freckle faced and wide smile, attractive features and wind swept dark brown hair streaked with auburn. But there is a new type of confidence in the way he smiles at Teddy from across the garden, there is something secret in the wink he sent him and the way he licks his lips._

_James is still just James, and yet more something — more everything — and Teddy can no longer deny how much he wants him._

_It feels like everything has been leading Teddy here, to this moment, to the realisation that the way he feels about James is decidedly not the same as it’s always been and that he wants him in ways that make him feel overwhelmed and elated all at once._

_“You came,” James says, looking pleased._

_“Of course I came. I wouldn’t have missed this for the world.”_

_James steps closer, reaching out to take the butterbeer from Teddy’s hand. With his eyes fixed on Teddy he tips his head back and takes a large swig, licking his lips slowly before handing the drink back._

_“Taking what we want without asking, now, are we?” Teddy teases, not minding in the least._

_James looks thoughtful, running his hand through his hair and making it look somehow even messier instead of neater. “There’s lots of things I want that I can’t just take.”_

_“That so?”_

_James nods. “Maybe just one thing.”_

_Teddy steps closer, the air between them charged with heat that’s not from the summer sun. “Thing?”_

_The corner of James’s mouth turns up, his hand reaching out to twist a strand of Teddy’s hair between his fingers, his face breaking out into a full smile when Teddy changes it from blue to a deep, rich burgundy — the exact same colour as James’s Gryffindor Quidditch Captain shirt._

_“You,” James says confidently, closing the small distance between them. “I want you.”_

_He doesn’t make a move, though, dropping his hands to rest them on Teddy’s chest and watching, waiting — waiting for Teddy to show his hand._

_Teddy thinks of the words swirling in his brain, of the heat pooling in his belly, and the desperate way he wants to know what James sounds like when he whimpers. But the words won’t come. Teddy has never felt short for words, especially not with James, and yet standing here on the cusp of everything, he finds himself incapable of conveying it._

_“Jamie,” is all that he can manage, but it’s enough. James’s breath catches in his throat as he presses Teddy back against the tree, the bark rough against his back as James’s lips descend on his own. He’s dully aware of Harry laughing in the background, of someone making a toast, of various people yelling “Where’s James,” but nothing matters except the two of them. Teddy fists his hands in James’s shirt, pulling him closer and pressing their foreheads together as James pulls out of the kiss, looking breathless and hopeful._

_“What do_ you _want?” James whispers boldly. Teddy loves that about him, loves that James isn’t afraid to be rejected, isn't afraid to take risks. It makes Teddy less afraid of the words he’s been harboring like secrets._

_“You,” Teddy whispers, breathless — the taste of butterbeer and James lingering on his lips. “I want you.”_

***~*~*~***

The next morning, Teddy takes the world's longest shower, staying in the bathroom so long the hot water turns ice cold before he resigns himself to the fact that he has to to get out. He casts a quick cleaning charm on yesterday’s clothing, which he’d dropped in a heap on the floor, before pulling them back on, staring at himself in the mirror and wondering when exactly he became such a coward.

Ginny casts him a tight smile when he comes into the kitchen; the lines on her face are tense, her shoulders hunched, but she hands Teddy a cup of tea and cups his cheek in her hand the same way she had when he was just a child. “I’m not sure a mother can ever really think anyone is good enough for one of their children, but if ever there was someone who deserved James, someone who could love him through everything...that someone is you, Teddy.”

Teddy doesn’t know what to say. He'd underestimated Harry and Ginny’s capacity to love unconditionally. He'd let his fear of their reaction — his fear that they would always choose James over him — outweigh his need to embrace and proclaim his love for James. He’d been so sure that he and James had all the time in the world to come out together. He’d been relying on James’s courage and conviction to get them through rough patches and he knew it wasn’t fair. James deserved more, always had.

By the time Teddy calms himself down enough to return home, he’s just about worked out what he wants to say to James. The problem, however, is that despite it being a Sunday, and therefore a day James usually spends lazing around the flat watching telly and eating up all the leftovers, James is not home.

Teddy casts an agitated _Homenum Revelio_ , which shows him what he already knew to be true — no one else is in the flat. Yet despite the fact that he’s positive James isn’t home, he still finds himself re-checking the kitchen and James’s bedroom three more times.

Teddy tells himself not to panic, reminds himself that James might’ve just gone out to the supermarket or for a quick walk around the neighbourhood to clear his head. He tries to tell himself not to worry. The problem is, after almost two hours without a word from James, Teddy begins to feel near frantic with worry. James had only gone out alone a few times since his accident, and never for more than a half hour at most. It’s out of character for him to be gone this long and fear twists in his stomach at the idea of something happening to James again.

After a quick Floo call to Harry and Ginny — which accomplishes nothing except make them worry — and an owl to James’s captain — who hasn’t seen him in two days — Teddy begins to well and truly panic.

Teddy has no idea where to go, where to look, but knows he’s got to try anyway, can’t stand just sitting here and waiting. Just as he grabs his coat off the hook by the front door, an owl taps almost manically on the living room window. Teddy flings the window open and unfurls the rolled up parchment in less than five seconds, his hands shaking as he reads the letter.

_Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry_  
_Office of the Headmistress_

_Dear Mr. Lupin,_

_I had hoped that when young James Sirius Potter left Hogwarts, it would be the last time I had him in my office acting drunk and disorderly. Unfortunately, it seems I’m doomed to be dealing with Potters who are unable to control their emotions until the day I die._

_Mr Potter was caught trying to sneak through a not-so-secret passageway from Hogsmeade into the castle in what I can only assume was an attempt to see Albus. Unfortunately Mr Potter was too drunk to find the Slytherin dormitory and instead burst into the middle of my N.E.W.T.-level Transfiguration lesson acting like a complete and utter hooligan._

_He has alternated between bouts of uncontrolled magical outbursts and angry tears. The most I can get out of him has been your name. I have no desire to involve the Aurors or James’s parents and hope you can come and collect him calmly._

_Sincerely,_  
_Headmistress McGonagall_

_P.S. The password is catnip. Be gentle with him, Mr Lupin. A broken heart can only handle so much._

Teddy clutches the letter in his hands and Apparates directly to the Hogwarts gates and running across the grounds without a moment's pause. He ignores the students staring, ignores Hagrid’s waving, ignores Albus’s shouting and heads straight towards McGonagall's office.

When he finally pushes the door open, the elation he feels at finding James sitting in a chair near the fire threatens to overwhelm him. But the feeling slips away the second that James looks at him. There is so much pain on James’s face that Teddy can barely stand.

“Jamie.”

“No!” James yells, rising to his feet as he shakes his head and backs away from Teddy. “You can’t...you can't call me that anymore.”

The last bit of strength Teddy has shatters at those words and he falls into the chair by the door. “James, please.”

“Just tell me what happened!” James’s voice is too sharp, it’s such an unfamiliar tone to be falling from his mouth.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

James’s chest begins to heave and the vase of hydrangeas on the desk explodes, pieces of glass and fragments of flowers raining down. “Tell me why it ended...why you didn’t want me anymore. Tell me why you kept it a secret! Did you hope I’d forget? Did you fall asleep hoping it was one of the memories that wouldn’t come back, so you wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore?”

Teddy’s mind goes in a million directions at once. James’s words make no sense. He can’t have remembered them, remembered what they were, and kept it to himself. “You remember us?”

James laughs, a hollow empty laugh that makes Teddy shiver. “Oh, so now you admit it. Was it just fun and games until stupid Jamie lost his memory and then you didn’t need me anymore?”

“James, I don’t know what you remember—”

“No, you don’t!” James yells, pointing his hand out. Teddy can’t help but notice the way it trembles. “You didn’t tell me anything. Do you know what it was like to fall asleep and wake up unable to breathe, to not know if I was dreaming or remembering.”

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”

“You didn’t care!” James levels the accusation calmly but he looks anything but, dropping his hands to his side and collapsing against the wall.

“That’s not true. I cared so much I could barely stand it.”

James makes a noise of disagreement. “Funny way of showing it, huh. I thought maybe if I asked you about being gay, you’d tell me something. At that point I thought it was just me...the things I was remembering just kept coming and coming but they were out of order and hazy. It was so confusing. And I tried looking everywhere, but there’s nothing. There’s not a single bit of proof we were together.”

“James—” Teddy tries again, he knows James needs to get it out, but the pain of hearing him say it makes Teddy feel like he’s drowning in James’s grief.

“You were the first person I felt like I could trust. And then one day, all of these memories kept coming and coming and they wouldn’t leave me alone but they didn’t make any sense. Do you know what it feels like to not even trust yourself? To not know what’s real?” James asks, sliding to the floor in a heap as if he cannot bear to stand a moment longer, as if he has nothing left.

Teddy drops to his knees and crawls across the floor to kneel in front of James, wanting nothing more than to pull him into his arms and promise everything will be okay, but terrified of touching him, of not being allowed to be that person for him anymore. “We were real, Jamie. We were real.”

“Did you love me even a little bit?” James begins to cry, tears that wrack his entire body, the force of his grief making the pictures on the wall begin to shake.

Teddy’s breath comes out in a shuddering gasp as he reaches out, his hands on James’s warm cheeks, his own thumbs brushing away the tears he knows he put there. “I love you so much. I can’t...I can’t take back the pain I caused, but you have to know I thought I was helping. I didn’t want to be one more thing you couldn’t remember. Fuck, Jamie. You have no idea. You—”

“So we were together? Before the accident? We loved each other?” James looks hopeful.

Teddy feels the words fall out. “Yes. It was new, we were still figuring it out, and it’s my fault that no one knew. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone and you kept it a secret for me. Because I asked you to. But Jamie...it was real. It _is_ real. I loved you, I still love you. So much.”

“Show me,” James interrupts, his voice rough with tears. “ _Please_.”

Teddy doesn’t hesitate this time, pulling James up and into his lap and wrapping his arms around him tightly as if afraid he might run away when Teddy finally presses their lips together. It’s the softest kiss, barely a few seconds long, but James taste so familiar, curls into Teddy as if he’d never left and Teddy begins to cry, his own tears falling onto James’s cheeks as he kisses him again and again, barely able to breathe through the choking sounds he’s making. All Teddy knows is that he needs to kiss James, to touch him, and he’s afraid to ever stop.

It’s James who pulls out of the kiss first, his lips are as red as his eyes as he leans forward and rests his forehead against Teddy’s.

“Take me home, Teddy.”

***~*~*~***

When they’re safely back in their flat, James tugs him towards the bedroom and Teddy feels as nervous as their first time. Teddy tries to talk, to explain again, but James shakes his head.

“I don’t want to think, to remember, to understand. I just need to _feel_. Please,” he begs and Teddy can do nothing but comply.

It’s almost like the first time, Teddy thinks, linking his fingers with James’s and leading him to the bedroom.

“What do you want?” Teddy whispers against James’s neck, kissing him on the spot just below his left ear that he knows never fails to make James’s toes curl.

James breathes heavily, his chest shuddering with the force of it. “You. I want you. Every time I close my eyes I see us together, see you touching me and fucking me, and I don’t know which things are dreams and which ones are memories. I don’t want this to be either one of those. I want you to fuck me.” He stops, his hands shaking but his voice steady. “Make me yours. I want to be yours again.”

“Mine,” Teddy breathes, kissing James, delighting in the feel of his lips against his, in the sounds he makes the familiar way James responds to his touches.

Teddy tries not to cry, but he can’t stop the tears from falling as James strips down and crawls onto the bed naked, spreading himself out and all Teddy can do is close his eyes and breathe, reminding himself it’s not the lingering scent of James he’ll have clinging to the sheets tomorrow but the memory of them coming together again, coming together like they were always meant to be.

Teddy pushes away the thoughts of _last time_ and _before_ and _what does James remember?_ , and focuses on the now. He focuses his attention on the way James’s soft smile slowly returns as Teddy kisses his way down James’s stomach, or the way James’s quiet pleas for more fill the room as Teddy’s fingers slip inside of James’s body. He focuses on the way James wraps his legs around Teddy’s waist urging him deeper and cries out not in heartache but in pleasure.

It feels everything and nothing like before, and Teddy wants to live in this moment forever as he thrusts into James, soaking up the sounds James makes as he falls over the edge. Teddy buries his face in James’s neck and lets his own tears fall once more as he comes a few seconds later, feeling as if his entire heart has been ripped from his body.

James curls into him, his breathing ragged and hot against Teddy’s collarbone. He throws an arm and leg over Teddy as if afraid Teddy might leave, as if Teddy could ever walk away from him.

“I’m scared I won’t ever remember it all,” James confesses in the safety of Teddy’s arms.

Teddy knows he can't imagine what James feels, what it’s like to feel betrayed by your memory or by someone you loved, but at least now he knows what James needs — _him_.

“You don’t have to remember everything we were to know everything we will be.”

“Promise?” James whispers.

“I promise,” Teddy answers, pulling James’s hand up and kissing every single one of his fingertips. “I love you. I love you before and I love you now and I love you for every single tomorrow.”

“I love you, too,” James murmurs against his chest, and for the first time in a very long time Teddy’s heart doesn’t feel like it's breaking.

James is home.

***~*~*~***

“I’m nervous,” James confesses, the tension radiating off his body in waves as he stares at the empty fireplace.

“Relax, James, it's just Albus and Lily,” Teddy reminds him gently, rubbing James’s back in a soothing manner, the soft cotton of James’s shirt bunching up beneath his hand.

James nods, his legs bouncing beneath the table. James has been looking forward to this for days, unable to sleep as he kept Teddy up late talking about the things he was remembering about himself, about his siblings, but mostly about his sudden need to see them both; about his fears of not being who they remembered him to be.

“They should be here any minute,” Ginny tells them expectantly, glancing at the Floo and then back at James and Teddy, looking more at peace than Teddy has seen her in a very long time. She hums to herself as she sets the table for Sunday dinner, the first one Albus and Lily will be home for since they left for school months ago. It’d been easy enough for Harry to get permission to bring them home for the weekend once James had asked to see them.

The Floo flares up and Harry steps through with an easy smile on his face. Albus and Lily follow through seconds later, both dusting their robes off and standing in the middle of the kitchen looking unsure.

“Hi James,” Lily says softly, tucking a long strand of red hair behind her ear.

“Hey,” Albus huffs, tugging on the cuff of his robe nervously with his left hand. Neither of them seem entirely sure what to do or say. Teddy can’t blame them. He knows they’ve been writing James letters but it’s not the same. They haven’t seen him in person, they haven’t been here to feel the shift in him, haven’t seen for themselves how much better he’s doing these last few weeks.

“You two look like you’re about to get a detention with Filch. I promise I don’t bite. Well, unless you’re Teddy,” James laughs, clearly trying to defuse the sudden awkwardness.

It’s a bit chaotic after that. Lily covers her mouth trying to stifle a loud sob, tears falling from her eyes as Albus looks torn between laughing and crying. James upends his chair in his haste to get up and practically runs across the room, pulling Albus and Lily into a tight hug.

“Always gotta have the attention on you, you wanker,” Albus grumbles, but his hands fist so tightly in James’s jumper his knuckles turn white and Teddy can see he’s begun to cry too.

Teddy feels like he should look away and give them some privacy and yet he can’t take his eyes off the three of them, off the way James holds them both protectively as if they’re the ones who’ve been hurt, whispering something that makes Albus’s and Lily’s laughter ring throughout the room. Ginny covers her face with her hands, turning towards the cupboards and clearly trying not to let anyone see her cry.

“You’re good for him,” Harry says kindly, fixing James’s vacated chair and sitting down beside Teddy. “He looks happier. Lighter. He looks like James.” Harry’s voice is shaky, his arm warm and heavy as he throws it around Teddy’s shoulder in a half hug. Teddy marvels at how he ever thought he was in danger of losing his place here with Harry, with all of them.

“He’s good for me, too,” Teddy confesses.

Harry nods, watching his children break apart their embrace and move towards the table. “I better move,” Harry whispers, squeezing Teddy’s arm once more before he’s walking across the room and wrapping his arms around Ginny. They stay like that for only a few moments before Ginny is nodding her head, moving back to the table and smiling, her hand holding Harry’s.

“Please tell me there are no peas this time,” Albus questions, dropping down into the chair between James and Lily and looking around the table.

“No. No peas,” James laughs. “I had Mum make your favourite though, steak and kidney pie. And she made Lily’s favorite pudding, cherry trifle.”

“My favourite. You remembered,” Lily whispers, looking close to tears. Albus doesn’t look much better off, his cheeks flushed red as he stares at the steak and kidney pie like it might explode. James holds his breath looking suddenly overwhelmed at having caused this kind of reaction again. For someone who liked attention so much, James certainly had trouble dealing with it sometimes.

Teddy reaches under the table and places his hand on James’s knee; the response is instantaneous, the tension bleeding from James’s shoulders as he he turns his head and fixes Teddy with a easy smile.

Teddy knows that their relationship won’t ever be exactly the way it was before, that they can’t go back and recapture exactly the way they felt nor can they recreate every memory they’ve shared. He also knows they don’t need to.

The past might be lost, but the people they are - _the person James is_ \- is still here. It doesn’t have to be easy, and it doesn’t have to perfect, all Teddy needs is to know whatever it is they’re going to face they will do together.

“James,” Teddy starts, intending to ask him to pass him the pitcher of water, but James shakes his head, leaning forward and pressing his forehead against Teddy’s, ignoring the eyes of everyone else at the table on them.

“Call me Jamie.”

Teddy exhales. “Jamie,” he whispers, the nickname falling from his lips for the first time since the incident in McGonagall's office. The smile on James’s face is nearly blinding and Teddy feels it’s effects radiate throughout him.

They're going to be ok, he thinks. Teddy knows that as long as they’ve got each other, they can handle whatever the future brings them.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [Tumblr](http://goldentruth813.tumblr.com/) <3


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